GETTING JEB OUT FROM UNDER THE BUSHES

A SPECIAL GSR POLITICAL EDITORIAL

We really like Jeb Bush. How could you not be smitten by a first name like Jeb or Arlo or TJ? In fact, with a name like that we're voting for him for president! True, his position on immigration, women's issues, education, tax reform, balancing the budget, gay marriage, abortion, climate change, fracking, the EPA, the future of Medicare and foreign policy are incredibly out of touch with reality. Still, We Like Jeb!

JEB HAS THE SPLEEN FOR 2016

However, like all politicians, there is always some black cloud following them around wherever they go. Hillary has the State Department emails. Marco Rubio looks and acts like our 13 year old cousin, Stymie. Governor Christie has Bridgegate and, come to think of it, New Jersey. And with no other way to say it, Trump has Trump and that ridiculous, "I build big, astronomically high rent apartment buildings so I'm fit to become the leader of the free world," BS.

Where does that leave our big bear of a brother, Jeb? No, it wasn't his "deer in the headlights" demeanor during the big debate on national television. No, it's not the fact that he couldn't find Tallahassee the first time he was elected governor of Florida. What's been keeping Jeb down is his last name, Bush. Trying to separate himself from that knucklehead of a younger brother, George is like trying to pull apart two slices of American cheese that have been sitting out all day on the hood of your pickup in the middle of July. You just can't do it!

So, in one of the most contentious editorial board meetings that GSR has ever had, our learned suggestion, nay, our solution to Jeb's problem is this. Change the name, Jeb. You can still keep the fake Navaho Indian belt buckle, the Walmart glasses, the buxom interns, the elevator shoes and the tired story of how you stopped your motorcade last month to allow a mother duck and her eight  little ducklings to cross the road unharmed, even though they carried a banner, "Ducks for Donald". Just change your last name.

Granted, the word bush is easy to pronounce, unless you've just had all your wisdom teeth pulled, and that anyone that owns or rents a home probably has a bush on their property. Most importantly for the polls, not many other candidates have a last name that rhymes with tush. However, sometimes you just have to let go. "Push the Bush" as our esteemed Maryland crab cake correspondent Esther Lester texted everyone around the table.

So, here it is Jeb. It's just a work in progress but by a vote of six to four with three abstentions for   not understanding the question, the editorial board of Goat Soup Radio would like you to change your last name to Nixon. All you have to do is have a news conference and say that you were on ancestry.com last night and found out that Pat Nixon once stayed (after all, it only takes one time so we hear) in the same Abilene, Texas Super 8 as your uncle,  Fester Bush. The press will eat it up!

Jeb. Together, let's put another Nixon
 in the White House.

Why Nixon? Who has the most name recognition of any 20th century president? Who ended the draft? Who founded the EPA? Who signed Title IX, ending female gender bias in college sports? Who supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War? Who lowered the voting age to 18? Who initiated the anti-ballistic missile treaty? Who opened diplomatic relations with Communist China? And the list goes on.

Jeb Nixon. He's the one.

HILLARY'S SERVERS TAKE THE 5TH AND A COUPLE OF OTHERS. INVESTIGATION STYMIED

A bedtime story.

It's been a difficult couple of months for Hillary Clinton. Despite all the plans, the big donations and the palpable groundswell for a female president, her time as Secretary of State while using her personal email account for both private and State Department communications has created many questions as to whether confidential State Department information has been compromised.

Over 30,000 such emails have been handed over to investigators by Mrs. Clinton. However, federal investigators are still seeking more. Sources say sixteen stalwart sneaky cyber sleuths in the FBI and the State Department's Inspector General Office had been seeking access to Hillary's private servers to once and for all find out what she knew, who she talked to and over what lines of communication she did it on.

Esther Lester being taken to an  
undisclosed location. Is this the end of 
Pax Americana?

Finally, with warrants in hand, investigators entered the private compound of Hillary and Bill Clinton on August 7, 2015 in Chappaquiddick, New York and whisked away the entire serving staff. Namely; Elizabeth McGregor, 46, soup, appetizer and continuous napkin folder, Richard McDonald, 54, starch, veggie server and reluctant food taster and Esther Lester, 68, main course, dessert and lighter of disgusting after dinner cigars.

EDITOR'S NOTE: Yes we know they live in Chapaaqua, but who the hell can spell it? The spell check (we swear) only offered us Chappaquiddick. There's a strange moral here, somewhere. With the exception of spell check (after all, we're not animals), our policy is never to search the internet for information. If it wasn't in the required reading list for our high school equivalency diplomas, it doesn't exist. Never did, never will.

Our story continues.
Untouched were two upstairs maids, the butler of the foyer and (Bill's favorite) the lithesome but stern, Olga MacFarland, 25, drawer of baths, hander of warm towels and all around fun server to be with on a rainy afternoon with no speeches to give or slimy deals to be made.

"She don't know nothin', chief".

Taken to an undisclosed location behind Starbucks on 3rd and 59th in Manhattan, the three food servers were denied access to  lawyers, lunch and ladles. Then, failing to follow even the most basic of international laws against torture, dinner was served buffet style. Alas, this was almost too much for our little band of indentured servants to bear. Too many of their brothers and sisters had lost their food service jobs with that simple word, buffet (naturally, French in origin).

For 40 days and 40 nights, if you can believe Entertainment Tonight Jerusalem, the meanest, baddest, smelliest men in the FBI tried to get McGregor, McDonald and Lester to come up with the goods on the most honest, sincere, loyal, truly funny, hardest working,

Now that Hillary won't be wearing
orange anytime soon, VP Biden
considers whether to run for
 nomination.

warmhearted Democratic female contender for the presidential race, but they wouldn't budge. Taking the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th and 5th Amendments they were eventually let go.Thrown out of the back of a moving van on the Major Deegan Expressway, the three servants, bruised but not broken, made their way back to Chappaquiddick just in time for Sunday tea.

The end.

*********************************

SERVANT. A person of either sex who is in the service of a master or mistress; one who is under obligation to work for the benefit of a superior and to obey his (or her) commands.
c. 1386 Chaucer.  Prol. 101. A YEMAN hadde he and servantz namo. At that tyme, for hym liste ride soo;
trans.to Mod. English.  A YEOMAN had he at his side, No more servants, for he chose so to ride;

TRUMP OUTLINES FIRST DAYS IN WHITE HOUSE (IF ELECTED)

Perhaps he was getting ahead of himself, perhaps not. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told the crowd at a fundraiser for tired and worn out Rolex watches that, if elected,  he would immediately "give the American people what they want and more. It would begin with my triumphant inauguration and continue throughout my years as president or until I own all of Manhattan and America's national parks, whichever comes first."

I.  Inauguration.  "Do you know how many people catch cold standing outside during a presidential inauguration? As my first act as president, I will keep the American people safe and healthy by having it at my private Caribbean Island, Trump Island. My plan is to keep it small, regal and humble. Only the first 300 super rich Americans that arrive on yachts no less than 400 feet in length or private jets (not the leased kind), will get to attend. As well, service will be provided by hard working, exploited minorities with clean police records and willing to work for the minimum. If they want to get paid more, let them buy an apartment building and become a landlord."

II. USGS. "And what the hell does the US Geological Survey do all day? I'll give them something to do. Are you aware how much undeveloped land there is right in Central Park in the middle of Manhattan? I say it's time to see what we've got there.We desperately need affordable housing for the upper, upper, upper middle class. I'd call it my Louisiana Purchase...and then I'd buy Louisiana."

III. Department of Education. "Here's another loser. Why spend four years in college when all you have to do is watch two seasons of "The Apprentice"?

IV. Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives. "Now you're talking. Real men (and real women) carry a firearm, smoke Cuban cigars and always have their limos stocked with the best imported French wines that you can't find at Costco.  These great Americans also know how to clear out a parcel of prime real estate with a single stick of dynamite faster than you can say 'eminent domain'. I think those people over there are doing a fine job"!

V. NASA.  I've been competing against the Chinese for years. And I've always won. I eat Chinese for breakfast and I can tell you they want the moon. So it's time to go back to the moon before the Chinese do. Only this time, in place of astronauts, I'll send up a half dozen real estate agents, a couple of  'Crater For Sale or Lease' signs and a few dozen freshly baked apple pies. If the Chinese want the moon they'll have to lease the damn thing from me. Sorry, I mean us."  


VI.  DTS.  I would immediately create the Department of Tycoon Security. People should know that 84% of all the wealth in this country is owned by 7% of the people in this country. I have always said that I will fight to protect minorities and this is just one example of my munificence."

"To serve and protect 
America's tycoons"

III. The White House.  "I already have six houses throughout the Western Hemisphere. What do I need another one for? Especially a fixer upper like the White House. I could keep Angie's List busy there for years. My plan on day one is to begin leasing it out as the Trump White House B & B. Whenever I'm in DC, I'll just pull  out a credenza over at the Treasury Department and stay there for the night filling my pockets. Who's going to stop me?"

IV.  The Pentagon. "This was a fine old building in it's day but that day has passed. I know how to empty out a building of tenants, level the land and put down a private, members only golf club with all the amenities you would expect from a rich, take no prisoners, misogynistic, egotistical, right wing, hair challenged, pompous, small wienered developer like myself."

"I've often said that the Pentagon needed more windows
with an adjacent 18 hole Trump Golf Course. Can you see
the top of the Washington Monument behind the 
newly renovated Pentagon, just behind my right ear?"

"Best, therefore, withhold any amazement at the strangely gallied whales before us, for there is no folly of the beasts of the earth which is not infinitely outdone by the madness of men." - Herman Melville. Moby Dick or The Whale.

RNC HOSTS QUADRENNIAL PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES HUMAN PYRAMID

Over the years "The Pyramid" has become a cherished tradition in the Republican Party. Every August 1 of the previous year leading up to the national presidential election, all officially announced republican candidates come together on the shore of Lake Michigan outside of Chicago to create the Republican Presidential Candidates Human Pyramid. 

Bottom l to r: Lincoln, Douglas.
Top: Lester. Note: This is the 
only known color jpeg of  our
16th president.

It all began with the 1860 presidential election. It was the end of July 1859 when the three republican candidates (Abraham Lincoln, Stephen Douglas and Esther Lester) were asked by famed photographer Matthew Brady to come together for a group picture. Not wanting to show his height deficiency next to the tall and lanky Lincoln, Douglas suggested a human pyramid. At first Lincoln scoffed at the idea. But then, Esther Lester, the Great Compromiser and Kibbitzer of the Senate said that he/she would go through with the idea so long as everyone took off their stovepipe hats and removed any piercings that might detract the viewers' attention from the group as a whole. Lincoln soon agreed, removed his stovepipe hat and naval piercing (bought for him as a gift from his wife, Mary Todd) and the rest is history.

Over the years, candidates have come and gone but the quadrennial Republican Candidates Human Pyramid goes on. Critics claim that the event has lost much of its original appeal and that the proof in this is that it is hardly ever covered by the press anymore. However, Goat Soup Radio's political correspondent Red Potato made it to the shore on time and can actually be seen (second row, third from left) standing in as a replacement for Ted Cruz who, unfortunately, had to take a tinkle and missed getting back to the shoot by seconds.

Presenting the 2015 Republican Candidates for President.
Photo by Carly Fiorini. Matching swim trunks donated by
Donald Trump (3rd row bottom right). Top: Jeb Bush, oldest
candidate in group with his unfortunate hearing problem.

Historians specializing in the Republican Candidates Human Pyramid will have a hard time finding a more complex and difficult pyramid to top than this year's event. Although those that were there are sworn to secrecy, GSR has learned from sources deep within the Republican Party hierarchy that this year's pyramid took over four hours to build. GSR was told of three total collapses, seven partial collapses and six timeouts by Donald Trump who continually kept having to consult his hair stylist in the face of those brutal Lake Michigan midsummer winds.

Planning and rehearsal is everything when the eyes of America are on you. The day before the great event

Rehearsal the day before with volunteer stand-ins. Is 
there a future president here on their hands and knees?

field volunteers from every candidate met to rehearse their candidate's part. Problems arose when the single female republican candidate, Carly Fiorini, refused to wear just the black bottom trunks donated by Mr. Trump and settled for taking the famed picture you see above. 
"If you think I'm going to stand on top of Marco Rubio's shoulder's topless with my big honkers just blowing in the wind, all the while trying to balance Mike Huckabee on top of me, you're crazy", said Ms. Fiorini.

Around the world, across the seas and through the woods, people have now made August 1 Superhuman Pyramid Day. France made it a national holiday in 1987 although nobody knows why. Kazakhstan has every citizen turn out and be required to "go pyramid". In China it is rumored that one superhuman pyramid of 8,456,699 workers unexpectedly collapsed and took the Great Wall with it. However, China's official news agency said that no one was injured and the event led to 563,488 marriage proposals.

U.S. backed rebels in Iraq show their support for the
 Republican Human Pyramid. Note allied cell towers
in background.