AN OPEN LETTER TO DAVID SEDARIS

Dear David,

You are my last hope. For three years I have been writing humorous short stories on just about anything that piqued my interest. Hint: I always try to open a story with a few words of French origin. It definitely creates an air of grace and elegance, don’t you think? Feel free to use "oeuvre" whenever you want.

These sweet, beautiful pieces of my soul have been dutifully presented in a blog that I created, goatsoupradio.com. My goal is simple; to one day run my own small engine maintenance and repair shop. However, with no followers, comments, emails or tweets, it has become a very lonely existence. My wife and my children go about their day and no one recognizes them. For myself, I could live like this but it’s become increasingly difficult. Sammy, the family dog was once happy and carefree. Now, 14 years old, with all of her shots, she just doesn’t seem to care.

Goat Soup Radio was going to be our ticket to Bedford Falls, our magic carpet ride, our personal invite to sit down with Al Roker. For so long now, every time the phone would ring we thought it was you. Well, maybe not you but someone that at least looked like you.

As an aside, I am sure you are a fan of Larry David as much as I am. Every time he squints his eyes I just crack up. Anyway, rumors have been spreading fast in Minsk that when Larry was born the hospital accidentally switched his first and last names. Wouldn't it be something if your real name was actually Sedaris David?

Did I ever ask for anything in return when President Nixon took my advice to form an exploratory committee for a possible 2016 run for the presidency? Or when Idaho, innocently enough, failed to re-up their statehood as directed by the Constitution every 38 years and thus reverted back to a territory? And did I quibble when Spain, looking to become a powerhouse in international law, trade and finance acted on my suggestion and changed its name to Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain, Spain and Goldstein ? Was I secretly hoping for an all expenses paid three night stay at the Barcelona Courtyard Marriott? Not at all.

Or when my evil neighbor, Esther Lester, stole my idea for renting out people's bathtubs as an inexpensive overnight stay for those seeking cheap out of town accommodations? Thus turning Tub Bud into the online juggernaut that it is today? David, didn't you wish that you had bought some of those shares at $34.00 during its first day of trading?

Where is the justice? Tell me, where does it say that I must walk this earth, head bowed, unrecognized, wearing my brother-in-law's hand-me-down pants (yes, I do sometimes get carried away with hyphens but wouldn’t you do the same in my position?). I pause.

David and The True and Mysterious Author
in better times.

David, take me out of the darkness and bring me into the lightness. Do this for me.

Please note the two attachments. The first is a rock solid nondisclosure form prohibiting the use of any part or parts of Goat Soup Radio without the express written consent of me and my solicitor. The second is a blank form letter where you can give me your address and phone number (I just hate texting), the names of your agent and editor and the best time to reach you. I am not a young person so please contact me post-haste. 

Yours, Very Much Alone,

The True And Mysterious Author Of Goat Soup Radio