FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
DRIVE AN AVERAGE 145 MORE MILES ON A TANK OF GAS.
EASY TO INSTALL, EASIER TO SCREW UP
ALL FOR ONLY FIVE EASY MONTHLY PAYMENTS OF $29.99.
The People's Machine Factory #52 (see GSR April 6, 2013 for more on this Chinese industrial juggernaut) of Huang Hey Province is pleased to announce that its first shipment of Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kits is now for sale in the United States of America! The kits are available for most model cars including Ford, GM, Chrysler, BMW and Dodge. Once Japan agrees to the People's Republic of China's claim that Kibashi Island in the South China Sea is a Chinese protectorate, kits will be made available for Nissan, Honda, Toyota and Subaru.
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| People's Machine Factory #52. Voted "Best Factory to Work In" five times by People Proletariat Magazine. |
Are you pumping gas more than you're pumping your friends for money? Do you keep looking under your car to see if the gas tank is leaking? Does taking the bus to work seem to be a more viable option? Are you getting tired of looking at all those Prius owners with their smug, phony smiles, little rat-ass dogs and L. L. Bean distressed tofu flip flops?
Something like this hasn't made it here over from China since the first Relco 30 quart deluxe turkey fryer. True, one of the early models was described by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission as more dangerous than a runaway nuclear meltdown but those fryers were quickly recalled and every affected family was safely relocated.
But you don't have to worry about that. The People's Machine Factory #52 has been making and supplying over 98% of all the world's balloons without a single industrial accident of biblical proportion in over seven years. We've even managed to increase our worker burn-out replacement time from an average 42 minutes to a whopping 49 minutes! Further, every one of our workers has received at least 16 minutes of retraining once we converted our 2,600,000 square foot factory (special thanks to the 1.2 million displaced peasants) from balloon production to our newest attempt to become super rich, our Easy Gas Hybrid Converter Kits. Fat chance of finding any balloons next year for your grandmother's 75th birthday.
Our Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kit is the simplest and most economical way to convert your gas guzzling, exhaust polluting, incredibly loud sounding, 1970's transportation debacle into a tool for the millennium to come. Particularly so once the People's Republic of China owns you, your house, the company you work for and every other American asset east and west of the Mississippi. Our kits are easy to install and come with our complete step-by-step instructions in Mandarin, Cantonese and just about passable English. Coming soon in Norwegian! If you've ever put together a Large Hadron Collider in a single afternoon, this should be a piece of cake.
With the Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit there's no drilling involved. In fact, there's no screwing, cuckoldry, copulation, coitus, cuddling, intercourse, fondling, foreplay or sexual congress needed at all! Everything is included in your kit. You even get a heavy-duty tourniquet for when you invariably slice off a couple of fingers trying to install our under the hood stainless steel watchamacallit.
You may ask yourself, "Ta shi ruhe gonzuo de?" The Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit works by taking advantage of the great Ming dynasty philosopher and physicist, Li Ziyang's third law of physics: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although it is forbidden by ancient Chinese custom to show an illustration of our product before you purchase one, be assured that when the People's Machine Factory #52 makes a product, we stand behind that product 100%! When's the best time to call customer service? Any third Thursday of the month around 4:00 AM as soon as you become fluent in Chinese.
Remember, whether you drive two hours each way to work or just down the block to your local 7-Eleven to pick up your favorite Hot Pockets, once you're driving with your Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit installed, you'll hardly need a gas station again. Unless, of course, you're like our friend Ruby Begonia who just can't hold her beer.
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| Ruby Begonia installed her kit and hasn't needed a gas station (except to pee) in three weeks. |
Something like this hasn't made it here over from China since the first Relco 30 quart deluxe turkey fryer. True, one of the early models was described by the Nuclear Regulatory Commission as more dangerous than a runaway nuclear meltdown but those fryers were quickly recalled and every affected family was safely relocated.
But you don't have to worry about that. The People's Machine Factory #52 has been making and supplying over 98% of all the world's balloons without a single industrial accident of biblical proportion in over seven years. We've even managed to increase our worker burn-out replacement time from an average 42 minutes to a whopping 49 minutes! Further, every one of our workers has received at least 16 minutes of retraining once we converted our 2,600,000 square foot factory (special thanks to the 1.2 million displaced peasants) from balloon production to our newest attempt to become super rich, our Easy Gas Hybrid Converter Kits. Fat chance of finding any balloons next year for your grandmother's 75th birthday.
 |
| "I made sure all of the balloons were bulletproof. Now I make watchamacallits." |
Our Easy Gas Hybrid Car Converter Kit is the simplest and most economical way to convert your gas guzzling, exhaust polluting, incredibly loud sounding, 1970's transportation debacle into a tool for the millennium to come. Particularly so once the People's Republic of China owns you, your house, the company you work for and every other American asset east and west of the Mississippi. Our kits are easy to install and come with our complete step-by-step instructions in Mandarin, Cantonese and just about passable English. Coming soon in Norwegian! If you've ever put together a Large Hadron Collider in a single afternoon, this should be a piece of cake.
With the Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit there's no drilling involved. In fact, there's no screwing, cuckoldry, copulation, coitus, cuddling, intercourse, fondling, foreplay or sexual congress needed at all! Everything is included in your kit. You even get a heavy-duty tourniquet for when you invariably slice off a couple of fingers trying to install our under the hood stainless steel watchamacallit.
You may ask yourself, "Ta shi ruhe gonzuo de?" The Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit works by taking advantage of the great Ming dynasty philosopher and physicist, Li Ziyang's third law of physics: for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Although it is forbidden by ancient Chinese custom to show an illustration of our product before you purchase one, be assured that when the People's Machine Factory #52 makes a product, we stand behind that product 100%! When's the best time to call customer service? Any third Thursday of the month around 4:00 AM as soon as you become fluent in Chinese.
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| All the neighbors will want to see your new gas saving hybrid. |
Remember, whether you drive two hours each way to work or just down the block to your local 7-Eleven to pick up your favorite Hot Pockets, once you're driving with your Easy Gas Hybrid Car Kit installed, you'll hardly need a gas station again. Unless, of course, you're like our friend Ruby Begonia who just can't hold her beer.
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