GSR INVESTIGATIVE REPORT: THE SECRET YOU NEED TO KNOW TO BECOME A MILLIONAIRE

There are books, podcasts, fortune cookies, even dead people. All telling you how that neighbor of yours down the block became a millionaire and how you can become one too. And except for his rotten kids and bad breath, wouldn't you like to be just like him?

Do you say to yourself "Why him? He's got no personality, no brains. Yet there he is drinking pina coladas, always going out to Friendly's for his Reese's Peanut Buttercup Sundae and walking around with his butt crack wide open for all the world to see and just not seeming to care."

Lucky for you, you're a Goat Soup Radio listener. Because GSR's top (and only) investigative reporter, Esther Lester, has done all the investigating and reporting for you. By breaking and entering the homes of millionaires throughout the greater Phoenix area, Mr. Lester has discovered through carbon dating, phone tapping and the occasional theft of certain plaid undergarments, the secret to becoming a millionaire. Her/His conclusions? You don't need to be born into it, or discover a cure for nasal hair or create the 10,456th Internet dating site. Claiming to be Andrew Carnegie's great-great-great-granddaughter did work once but it turned out to actually be his great-great-great-granddaughter. So that's taken.

When we finally managed to track down Esther at the Wishing Well Motel with two of our community college interns, what did she/he tell us that all of these self made millionaires have in common? What's their secret? Just three words, my friends: franks and beans. What do franks and beans have to do with becoming a millionaire? Everything. Imagine this. Instead of plunking down $6.25 for pizza and a drink, you go home and have a heaping plate of franks and beans, all for around $1.22.  You then take the amount now saved ($5.03, we think) and buy .003 ounces of gold. Each and every time you substitute franks and beans for your meal (breakfast, lunch or dinner) you take the amount saved and "go for the gold". Just 10 years of this and you could buy your own micro brewery. Make the full commitment for the next 20 years and you'll have so much money socked away you'll be able to sell that piece of junk you're driving and move up to a pre-certified used car!

It's never too early to begin investing in
your future.

How much can you retire with? Let's run the numbers. According to the National Institute of Family Foursomes, the average American family of four, in a typical week (including Arbor Day), consumes 152 chicken nuggets, 47 chocolate chip cookies, 56 Hot Pockets and one tomato. This all coming in at a whopping $182.78. Now, let's look at what's going to put you into that gated community you've always dreamed about:

1. Average number of hot dogs needed to feed a family of four on a weekly basis: 65
2. Average number of buns required per week: 74. Note: nine additional buns needed due to the rare but dreaded Blastomycosis Blackened Bun Barrage disease
3. Average number of pounds of baked beans needed to feed a family of four for a week (provided you get every bean that's sticking to the side of the can out): 43
4. Average time it takes to open a can of beans while only cutting one finger off: 7.5 seconds
5. Average cost to feed a family of four on franks and beans for one week: $44.45

Using the mathematical operation called subtraction (also called minus, less, difference, decrease, take away, or deduct, for those yet to obtain their GED) the amount saved is $182.78 - $44.45. Which we're pretty sure comes to $138.33! In one week!

And that's not all. The average family of four will therefore save nearly $745,000 in just 94 weeks! Think of it. No more having to answer the phone pretending it's a wrong number. Go ahead. Answer the phone and feel free to order as many ant farms as you want.

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Here's what a few of our "franks and beans millionaire neighbors" had to say:

"I'm a believer. I've been eating franks and beans every meal for two years now and have saved over $459! Unfortunately, my wife smokes, and with all my farting the house blew up just last week. We love you guys."  - Gary Smithereens. Burn Unit. No Such Luck Memorial Hospital. Coral Gables, FL

"With GSR's no hassle way to become a millionaire, my wife and I are now retired and living the good life." - Ben and Jerry Spinklestein. Sauerkraut Hills, CA

"My dad's been making  me eat franks and beans ever since I was born. It sucks. In fact, you suck Goat Soup Radio. I want a cheeseburger." - Little Tommy Pinto, age 8. Mustard Packet, MT

"Frankly I was skeptical. And at first, I didn't relish all those franks and beans. But, my buns really hurt from sitting on the floor because we couldn't afford furniture. Bean there, bun that. I gave it a try and I'm really glad I did. - Wally Weiner. Frankfurt, Germany
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"I made my millions and so can you."
 - Tomichi Murayama. Osaga, Japan

So feel free to use our tried and true method. And unlike any other investment strategy out there, we guarantee success or failure, which ever comes first.

FDA BLACK BOX WARNING: Substituting the required baked beans with french fries will result in hypofarturemia, thus creating a significant loss of buoyancy when taking a bath. If this occurs, both the Surgeon General and the Orthopedic Lieutenant recommend having a frank talk with your loved ones concerning the four P's of advanced hypofarturemia:

1. Your penchant for pigs in a blanket 
2. Your preference for sauerkraut over fried onions
3. Your pontificating on how to get mustard stains out of  bedroom linen
4. Your pending demise

LAWN PUS PLUS: A HEALTHIER LAWN YOU'LL NEVER FIND

A Word From The Publisher: This has got to be the grossest story that Goat Soup Radio has put together. Obviously, they are on the road to oblivion and they're just plain desperate for something to say. Shameful.

Nitrates? Cow manure? Vitamin B-12 shots? Have you tried them all only to find your lawn as unhealthy as ever? As grungy, defiled, lifeless, patchy and just plain mostly dead as your sex life? There is hope, you know. The makers of Dr. Smith's Original Home Care Tonsillectomy Removal Kit, complete with two syringes of just expired Novocaine and five kinds of antibiotics (in the highly likely event you come down afterwards with some raging infection) is pleased to offer Dr. Tommy's "two weeks to greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of Lawn Pus Plus.

Before using Lawn Pus Plus
(actual real life lawn)

After using Lawn Pus Plus (actual
real life lawn if you're a cartoon)

Previously only available to golf courses, football stadiums and nudist camps needing that thick green carpet of grass so as to avoid a nudist's worst nightmare, blistering buttocks boils, it is now available at your favorite garden nursery.  Editor's Note: This amazing product is not carried at Home Depot. Unfortunately, they are already carrying a somewhat similar product, Dr. Larry's "two weeks to a greener grass" 24 ounce bottle of  Lawn Excrement Extra. Good stuff, but it'll turn your kid's DNA into shit.


No matter what condition your grass is in. No matter how many gophers have turned it into their own Shangri-la. No matter if some hay chewing, red flannel shirt wearing, freckled nosed, lived all his life on a farm, blue ribbon Guernsey cow farmer with a Masters degree in mulchinomics has told you that your lawn can't be brought back to its original pristine condition... don't believe those sniveling, communist, anti-cheeseburger eating naysayers.

How does Dr. Tommy's patented Lawn Pus Plus work the miracle that no one dreamed possible? It's a story worth telling. So put down your fork, bring your chair to its upright position, take a minute or two to scratch yourself if you feel the need and give a listen.

Growing up in Crooked Neck, Georgia, Little Tommy learned just about everything there was to know about grass from his grandfather, Big Bones "Burping" Bob. For years little Tommy had watched his grandfather collect the cut grass from their lawn, put it all in a big black bag and carry it into the barn, quickly closing the door behind him.  One day, after all the chickens had been milked, Little Tommy had an idea. Waiting until everyone had left the farm to watch the takeout window go up and down at June's Famous Roadkill Bar-B-Que in Hey Abbott township, Tommy, using chopsticks so as not to arouse suspicion, began digging a hole behind the barn to let himself in. Squeezing himself through the hole under the barn, Tommy made it inside. Although dark and very barn-like, Tommy could just about make out the primitive laboratory that Burping Bob had set up to squeeze and collect every zit and blackhead of every cow, chicken, moose and pimply faced talking pig on the farm. It all became so clear. Combining all that thick bodily pus with those grass filings, Big Bones "Burping" Bob had invented the scientific field of Professional Pus Farmacology all by himself!

Here's what you need to know about Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus:

• Comes in 24 ounce size bottles with the exclusive "Push Pus" extractor cap
• Almost guaranteed not to genetically combine with any other mammalian zits
• Excellent wear and tear resistance (who would want to walk on that stuff?)
• 99.99% biodegradable. Check out our Youtube video of Dr. Tommy drinking a whole bottle of Lawn Pus Plus just before he died a horrible death 
• Fear of overdosing your lawn with Lawn Pus Plus? Each bottle comes with a coupon for $2.00 off any size tube of Clearasil Lawn Cleanser
• Looking for even more bang for your buck? Try Dr. Tommy's Lawn Pus Plus Extra with seven vitamins, minerals and cute puppy dog smiles