PROTECT YOUR U.S. ASSETS WITH AN OVERSEAS FRIEND

Is the IRS slowly eating you alive? Don't you want to stop filling all your empty peanut butter jars with your hard won tens and twenties? Or are you a 56 year old middle school art teacher (a complete failure at internet dating, by the way) who has saved every penny you've ever earned, always turned off the lights when leaving the room and has brought the same boring cucumber and lettuce sandwich to school every day for the past 23 years?

Gooch's All Night Island Towing and Asset Management Group would love to hear from you! Not one of the 7,387 other asset management companies on our tropical, sunny island of Little Cay can hide your money better and change your car's windshield wipers faster then us. We've been in the business since 1998 with 17 U.S outstanding warrants, 46 subpoenas and no convictions!

Harvey says, "Thanks to Mr. Gooch,
I'll now be able to take it all with me."

Editor's Note: The etymological  origin of the word 'asset' is unknown. However, the first known use of the word (for the listener's convenience, here set in bold)  is found in William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

ACT 2 Sc. 4
ROMEO  Reason not the need. Pray tell, hast thou spied Juliet, what a beautiful ass et seems to be.

Really, why hide your money somewhere on Little Cay and not also have the peace of mind of never having to fix a flat yourself? Do you really want to come down here and give all your assets to some elitist, ivy league graduate who only cares about his golf swing and upcoming divorce so he can finally score his trophy wife?

FAQs

I have a lot of money invested in a hog farm in North Dakota. How many hogs can you keep for me?
What, are you crazy? If you want to put all that bacon somewhere, send it over to IHOP. This ain't no barnyard.

I am a high net worth client. Can you accommodate me? 
Brother, you come down here and we'll set you up real good. Homemade Jamaican beef patties, your own take home beach towel and all the curry goat you can eat.

Can a foreigner open a bank account in Little Cay?
Now what you want to go do that for man? You just bring over all your cash, gold and diamonds to Mr. Gooch and don't you worry about any of that.

What if I'm followed down to Little Cay?
Not to worry man. They may fly into Little Cay on Antigua Air but they'll be flying out of Little Cay on little angel wings.

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Just listen to what some of our handful of customers have to say about Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group:

"I've been stealing from my company for years. I was rolling in dead presidents. Fancy cars, jewelry, my own line of organic staple guns. But I still couldn't hide it quickly enough from the wife and kids. Then, I heard of Gooch's. Now I get to keep all of my money and I don't need my AAA card anymore." - Esther Lester III, Goldilocks, Texas.

"Yes, I had a Gooch account in Little Cay. My money was safe but then I got careless and I began to keep some extra cash in one of those Swiss banks you keep hearing about. Big mistake. The feds stepped in and now all I get for breakfast is water and powdered eggs." - Earl O. Glouschester, Inmate no. 584739. Aurora Prison for the Criminally Inept and Stupid, This-Ain't-No-Alcatraz, Maine.

"I sent Mr. Gooch $8.98 that I saved from my lemonade stand. Now I wanna buy a goldfish but he won't let me have any of my money back. That's not fair. I want my money!" - Little Tommy Gunn, 7, Crybaby, Illinois.

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And remember...
 Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group is a founding member of the Little Cay Better Business Bureau for the Betterment of Us and Screw Everyone Else.

GSR REACHES 1 MILLION HITS PER DAY

Independent Media Stream recently announced its latest 20 day statistical study on the biggest drivers of net referrals, web traffic and turning off your computer and just going out for a nice quiet walk. Moving up behind Facebook, Yahoo and Gunga Din, Goat Soup Radio has increased listeners to its web site by more than 459% in the last lunar cycle.

Artist rendition of Betty Bisquick, GSR's
 1M page viewer on July 23, 2014.

How did two unemployed small engine repair servicemen take their dream of becoming the voice of downtown Phoenix and turn it into the internet juggernaut that has become Goat Soup Radio in just 17 short months? Where did Steve and Lee Ryman develop their well honed skills in comedy, journalism, pick-up lines, political savvy and the ability to inspire the 12,456 employees of GSR (12,448 interns, 5 grill masters, two professional steer wrestling champions and one yodeling cowgirl) to ever greater heights of critical writing, baby talk discourse, fragrant French fuzzy farts, copyright infringement and donkey pong?

Was it their ability to put on a French-Canadian accent at a moment’s notice? Their color coordinated flip flops? Their predilection for Mexican beer, nude karaoke and Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap?

True, the employment numbers are slightly exaggerated by about 12,454. And, there is no yodeling cowgirl. However, Steve swears that Lindsay, a girl he dated about three years ago, used to yodel in bed, although it was embarrassingly painful to listen to. 

GSR's imaginary 12,454 employees
would probably want to do this
everyday during lunch.

Editor's Note (just before he quit): About the only thing GSR can really lay claim to is consistency. After 17 months of weekly tirades against everybody and everything, GSR still hasn't garnered any followers, comments or a single,"Waz up?". What's the point? I'm still living at home, I can't find my skateboard and my iphone hasn't worked in six months.

However, things are starting to turn around. The Securities and No Change Commission has contacted our lawyer in Folsom Prison, Esther Lester (inmate no. 4857-AC/DC), demanding an explanation as to how we have monopolized the web in so short a time. Not wishing to be put in time out, GSR has decided to come clean and present their Eight Rules For Telling A Joke. 

1. Jokes must be told in English. It doesn't help if the waitress ein grobes Durcheinander ihre Hose. 
2. Very long jokes better have something to do with sex.
3. If you plan on telling a joke in a bar while sitting on a swivel type bar stool, unless the person you are telling the joke to is very, very fat, do not twist more than 18 degrees in any direction.
4. When telling a joke to a very short person try not to drool.
5. To make a joke even better, get naked. Things tend to shake.
6. Never tell a really good joke standing directly in front of someone who is eating Cheerios out of the box.
7. Just like a sentence, a joke must have a subject and a predicate. We're not sure what a predicate is, but try not to be the subject of your own joke.
8. It is never a good idea to tell a joke to someone who is retaining water.