Tensions between the West and Iran have been high for many years concerning Iran's nuclear program. Officially, they were said to be for peaceful and boring purposes such as for medical devices, glowing watch dials and exploding cigars. However, Western countries were very concerned that Iran had been using thousands of highly efficient centrifuges to spin down radioactive materials that could be used in making atomic weapons.
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| Example of Iran's peaceful use of nuclear energy. No matches required. |
Editors Note: For those of you who never took Nuclear Engineering or Speed Dating For Nuclear Physicists in high school, a centrifuge is a big tall thing shaped like the cardboard roll inside a roll of toilet paper. You put the raw nuclear stuff inside and it spins around and around real fast. Then, just like on a merry-go-round that goes too fast and throws you off as you start puking, the horse you're riding on stays put. It's the same principle.
In exchange for Iran closing down their nuclear facilities, the United Nations, in collaboration with Dracula, The Wolfman and the Mummy, have all agreed to take up residence in Tehran (Iran's capital - didn't even have to look that one up) for a period of 10 years. During this time, as the contract reads, the three would live in Iran "to exclusively perform, give autographs and generally cause their special brand of mayhem that the good people of Iran love so much".
"Yes, we do love those guys," said Larry Afreem Talbot, director of Iran's Department of Homeland Insecurity. "Once we have those guys working for us, who needs the A-bomb?
Those guys are the bomb. Besides, producing and maintaining atomic weapons, we've concluded, is like living on a merry-go-round."
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| "We love these guys". |
Speaking for the others, the Wolfman told GSR: "When the IAEC told us that Iran was refusing to negotiate without putting myself, Dracula and the Mummy on the bargaining table, it gave us pause. However, sacrifices have to be made and if it means spending a few summers chilling along the banks of the Persian Gulf, then that's what we'll do. Our agents weren't very happy but what can you say, they're only human.
White House gender free spokesperson, Esther Lester released the following statement: "We still think we got the better of the deal. Cable ratings for vampire shows are up but, let's just face it, the Wolfman just doesn't have the same box office draw he had in the '90's. Everyone and his brother are getting real hairy these days and howling at the moon. Been there, massacred that".
Deep within the agreement, GSR has learned that Iran will also need to make the following concessions:
- Change the name of the country from Iran to Wejustwalk
- Remain open until 1:00 am on Fridays and Saturdays
- Honor all competitor's coupons
- Begin a 12-step program to stress the word "host" in hostage
- Immediately release Sinbad the Sailor
- Really, really beat their swords into plowshares
- Keep it kosher
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