EXCITING MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH FOR SENIORS WITH POOR CIRCULATION

Are you beginning to see more hair in your ears than on top of your head? Are pitted prunes becoming a mainstay of your diet? Do tiny black flies follow you around? Well, we can't do anything about those problems. However, Pay The Tab Pharmaceuticals can make your life a little easier, a little more comfortable. As seen on "Good Morning, Botswana", our patented oral medication, Icelandic Hot Toes will do just that: keep your toes feeling warm and cozy. Just ask yourself these six questions:

• Do your feet get cold easily?
• Are you always wondering when global warming will get here?
• Do you wear more than five pairs of socks to bed each night?
• Are you drinking more hot tea these days than the entire British Empire?
• Is walking on hot coals beginning to sound like a good idea?
• When eating in restaurants, are you always asking for a table near the ovens?

Old lady Crabtree says, "I take my Icelandic Hot Toe
every day. So should you, you little fart."

If you answered yes to all six questions, then all is lost. However, if you answered yes to five or less, then Icelandic Hot Toes is just what you've been looking for. Scientists have questioned for years how the good people of Iceland, living in the harsh environment that they do, manage to keep their feet warm. Imagine living on a sheet of ice your entire life. Bathing, sleeping, eating, running errands, having unprotected sex and reading the Icelandic Freezing Press. All on top of one huge ice cube with an average annual temperature of -82 degrees Kelvin. Is it something in the air? The frozen tundra? The cod? 

Pay The Tab Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Whinemore capsules and suppositories has found the answer. But it wasn't easy. Those Icelanders wouldn't give it up. You would think that a free tow of the entire island down to the Caribbean for 10 fun filled days would have done it. However, they are a proud, tall people with big thumbs and they just wouldn't talk - and even if they did, who speaks Icelandish? However, in 2012, our scientists, secretly moving through town and country, found the answer in the northern regional capital city of Little Smorgasbord. And now, we've taken the secret of the Icelanders and made it available to you in capsule or easy- to-choke-on herring bone filled tablet.

Here's what three of our many satisfied customers had to say:

"My feet used to get so cold that I would have to strip naked and stand in front of my opened refrigerator door just to get them warm. What a sight that was. Then again, you should have seen me 40 years ago in my six inch stilettos and all my teeth. Thank you, Pay The Tab. Icelandic Hot Toes changed my life." 

Cherry Bumpandgrind, 72. Arthritis-By-The-Lake, Florida.

"My third husband, who gave me crabs, was always complaining about my cold feet. I had heard of Icelandic Hot Toes at the venereal crab clinic and I decided to give them a try. Within four days my feet were warm, I got divorced from that horrible little man and, although I still have crabs, I can now sleep with whomever I want and not worry about spooning."

Bonnie Wannie, 81. Old Ladies-By-The-Dozen, Arizona.

"Cold feet can strike at any time. I learned that the hard way. One day, I'm being pushed around the mall in my wheelchair by my aid and the next, there she is, rolling around on the floor, rubbing her feet silly. Thought she had frostbite. 9-1-1 was called and they knew just what to do. One injection of Icelandic Hot Toes and she was up and around in just a few short weeks. Although, it did take me two days to get a replacement aid. What a hassle."

Sandra Paytheman, 87. Bingo-Till-You-Drop, South Carolina.

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Warning: The FDA has issued a special alert that taking more than three Icelandic Hot Toes in one 24 hour period may cause the individual to become highly combustible. Retired firemen and other crazy old people that like to run into burning buildings should heed this warning carefully and always run in with a buddy.

IRAN TO HALT NUCLEAR PROGRAM IN MONSTER SWAP

Geneva, Switzerland. The International Atomic Energy Commission (IAEC) announced today that the government of Iran has agreed to stop all further production of nuclear materials beginning October 1, 2014.
Tensions between the West and Iran have been high for many years concerning Iran's nuclear program. Officially, they were said to be for peaceful and boring purposes such as for medical devices, glowing watch dials and exploding cigars. However, Western countries were very concerned that Iran had been using thousands of highly efficient centrifuges to spin down radioactive materials that could be used in making atomic weapons.

Example of Iran's peaceful use of
nuclear energy. No matches required.

 Editors Note: For those of you who never took Nuclear Engineering or Speed Dating For Nuclear Physicists in high school, a centrifuge is a big tall thing shaped like the cardboard roll inside a roll of toilet paper. You put the raw nuclear stuff inside and it spins around and around real fast. Then, just like on a merry-go-round that goes too fast and throws you off as you start puking, the horse you're riding on stays put. It's the same principle.

In exchange for Iran closing down their nuclear facilities, the United Nations, in collaboration with Dracula, The Wolfman and the Mummy, have all agreed to take up residence in Tehran (Iran's capital - didn't even have to look that one up) for a period of 10 years. During this time, as the contract reads, the three would live in Iran  "to exclusively perform, give autographs and generally cause their special brand of mayhem that the good people of Iran love so much".
"Yes, we do love those guys," said Larry Afreem Talbot, director of Iran's Department of Homeland Insecurity. "Once we have those guys working for us, who needs the A-bomb?
Those guys are the bomb. Besides, producing and maintaining atomic weapons, we've concluded, is like living on a merry-go-round."

"We love these guys".

Speaking for the others, the Wolfman told GSR: "When the IAEC told us that Iran was refusing to negotiate without putting myself, Dracula and the Mummy on the bargaining table, it gave us pause. However, sacrifices have to be made and if it means spending a few summers chilling along the banks of the Persian Gulf, then that's what we'll do. Our agents weren't very happy but what can you say, they're only human.

White House gender free spokesperson, Esther Lester released the following statement: "We still think we got the better of the deal. Cable ratings for vampire shows are up but, let's just face it, the Wolfman just doesn't have the same box office draw he had in the '90's. Everyone and his brother are getting real hairy these days and howling at the moon. Been there, massacred that".

Deep within the agreement, GSR has learned that Iran will also need to make the following concessions:

• Change the name of the country from Iran to Wejustwalk
• Remain open until 1:00 am on Fridays and Saturdays
• Honor all competitor's coupons
• Begin a 12-step program to stress the word "host" in hostage
• Immediately release Sinbad the Sailor
• Really, really beat their swords into plowshares
• Keep it kosher  

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BUY YOUR VERY OWN HYDROFRACKING WELL?

The Esther Lester Properties Group is now offering for sale, A+ rated hydrofracking wells. Our price includes the land, the equipment, the workers, all necessary transportation vehicles, and a slew of lawyers to get you out of any legal entanglements brought about by frivolous claims such as flammable tap water, congenital defects in neighboring children and the death of any local livestock, to name just a few of those fictitious cockamamie consequences of fracking.

Izzy's now fracking with the Big Boys, free to
buy anything he wants at Walmart.

 Each well sits upon the Marcellus Shale geologic formation. Working 24/7, your well will be pulverizing the shale and taking out that thick black goo that will make you everyone's best friend, especially around closing time. What do the big oil companies have in common? Big bucks. Big bucks to buy expensive meals, big bucks to drive around in stretch Ford Fiestas and big bucks to get their teeth professionally whitened. Isn't this the kind of life you dream about? 

Whose land you may ask? Let's be clear: farming has gone conglomerate. Let California grow all that wheat and barley stuff. We've done all the legwork. Every eight minutes in upstate New York another ill-informed farmer signs away his mineral rights to the Esther Lester Properties Group and every 67 minutes we're transferring those mineral rights to someone like you. After all, do you think we're stupid enough to be caught owning a toxic Superfund five years from now?

So go ahead, say the two most beautiful words in the English language: oil baron. That's right, oil baron. Kind of gives you a rush, wouldn't you say? Just licked your lips? Well, for now, back to our story.

Each well is completely fenced in with 24 hour security guards, German shepherds that don't understand a word of English and your own personal fleet of surveillance drones. These precautions, ready to take action in a moment's notice against any pinhead environmentalist that dares to get within 1,000 feet of your property, will keep you safe and carefree.

And that's not all. Do you think Coca Cola is going to list all of their ingredients for public scrutiny? Hell no. Why, we have one building in Taos, New Mexico with 36 shyster lawyers ready to litigate into eternity any environmental group or public entity that dares to ask what we are putting down those wells to extract all that oil. One of our lawyers visited the Supreme Court on a senior class trip. 

And, what's the best reason for you to be fracking? Taxes. That's because we have another building, this time in LasVegas, where we keep 33 slimy tax accountants ready to take advantage of every loophole they can make up to keep your (again, slimy) profits far away from the federales.

Thanks to fracking, Kiki got out of debt in 2 days.

So here's our guarantee:

• If you don't double your money in six months, we'll drill even deeper.
• As long as you can supply us with a minimum of 120,000 gallons of fresh water daily to extract the oil, we'll keep sending you those hefty checks.
• Although fracking has been proven to cause geologic faulting, you'll probably never experience an earthquake greater than 5.6 on the Richter scale.
• Buy three wells and, for a fraction of the going price, deed you ownership on two miles of the Keystone Pipeline.
• Once the well runs dry and the land is poisoned, we'll contact you as soon as possible so you can get out of town.
• Because you own the land in perpetuity, in about 300 years you can begin farming on it again. That's still better than Fukushima.

Please Note:  All investing is subject to risk, including the possible loss of the money you invest. However, if history is any indication, the only ones at risk here are the poor bastards that live near the well.

JUSTICE DEPARTMENT SEIZES PUTIN'S BEST BORSCHT RESTAURANT CHAIN

Editor's Note: As tensions run high in the Middle East, or wherever Ukraine is located, the Board of Trustees of Miguel's All Night Towing Service (DBA Goat Soup Radio) has voted, in an unprecedented manner, to publish the upcoming GSR news story three days before the usual publication date. Said Steve Ryman, "The Board has always placed ethical considerations above all else except, of course, beer, a nice hard mattress and soft, velvety skin. To that end, it was decided to make the following information public".

One of 56 Putin's Best Borscht 
 closed in California.

With the United States and Europe at odds with Russia over their incursion (Russia, not the U.S.) into Crimea and Ukraine, economic sanctions have, up until now, not proven very effective. Refusing to deal with certain Russian banks, halting certain trade agreements, and going after various Russian oligarchs, monarchs, hierarchs and Noah's arks, have not worked to dissuade Vladimir Putin from threatening to take control over Ukraine and possibly Coney Island. Quietly, the U.S. government has been looking into Vladimir Putin's personal fiances in an effort to "hit him in the pocketbook where it counts" and therefore have the Russian leader think twice about doing anything naughty.

Reached for comment, Department of Justice spokesperson, Esther Lester, said that they had been trying for years to monitor Putin's personal finances. It is rumored that an anonymous tip from Lee Ryman (an amazing coincidence), suggested a possible relationship between President Vladimir Putin and Putin's Best Borscht, America's 4th largest restaurant chain.
 "Previously, all the paperwork pointed to the owner being one Davy Crockett of Boonesboro, Tennessee," said Mr. Lester. "We always wondered how an early 19th century frontiersman who wore a coonskin cap to bed could build Putin's Best Borscht into the conglomerate it is today with over 4,000 restaurants coast to coast and right through the Northwest Passage.

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Reporting in front of their now closed flagship restaurant  in Hollywood, California, GSR cub reporter, Little Jimmy Shoeshine, spoke with a number of people intending that day to eat at Putin's Best Borscht.

"I'm here almost every morning for a bowl of their regular cold borscht and a helping of creamed herring. Such a pity" Tony Delmarco, 45.

"The kids love the frozen cabbage borscht on a stick for dessert" Susan Applebey, 32.

I always bring the kids in when Shootin' Putin is there. He's their favorite cartoon character. He's so funny. Ronald you-know-who really blows. Mary Hindsight.56.

When I'm hungry, I always know where to go. Putin's Best Borscht. I always say "yes" when they ask if I want to super size my blintzes. You then get 8 apple blintzes for only $4.99. You can't beat that. Mike "the lug" Nuts, 44.

"I love their condiment bar: sour cream, shredded cabbage, pickled tongue. It's all free and delicious." Nikita Gorbechov, 22.
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A seizure like this has its precedents. In 1952, for example, the government took over all 23 of Fidel's One Day Dry Cleaning stores in and around Billings, Montana. Then again, in 1974, the government seized all 365 of Tricky Dick's Yo-Yo Emporiums. However, after years of litigation the government was forced to return most of the 1,437,577 yo-yo's back to the president.


Later that day, Putin's Best Borscht spokesperson Randy Shmandy had this to say,"How are these workers supposed to find another job when their only work experience is making 600 gallons of fresh borscht daily?
It's an outrage."

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To Our Listeners:
Since the airing of this piece, GSR has received a "cease and desist" order from the State of Florida. Apparently, there is a restaurant in Clearwater, Florida called Mrs. Skapinsky's Best Borscht. Legal papers have been served to us by the family of Mrs. Skapinsky claiming that since the publication of the above piece, Mrs. Skapinsky was deported back to Smolensk. GSR stands behind the above fictional story and will fight those money hungry shyster lawyers all the way to Judge Judy. Have you ever tried borscht? It's horrible.