INTRODUCING GSR'S OWN KEGERATOR EXPRESS DELUXE. FREE SHIPPING AND NO TIPPING.

What was your bar tab last night? $100? $200? Wouldn't you like to save most of that money for a rainy day? A foggy day? An F-4 tornado day?
Well, by installing a GSR Kegerator Express Deluxe (it's a refrigerator, it's a keg/it's a keg, it's a refrigerator) in your home you can save all that money by simply staying put and downing all the beer you want right from your own keg. Why spend all that money on $4.00 tap beer at some sleazy roadhouse, looking at people that during the day you would run away from? Come on, why not be the master of your environment and drink to your heart's delight, all for a few dollars a day? With the Kegerator Express Deluxe you can take control of your finances, save those Lincolns and maybe even qualify for a credit card one day.

Take advantage of our 10th year anniversary hoedown. All kegerators come with a warranty good for the life of our great grandfather, Delwin. and, with our exclusive 60 day, no questions asked or answered warranty, you really won't know what hit you.

The GSR Kegerator makes
a wonderful addition to any
room of the house.

Here's what you get with every Kegerator Express Deluxe:

• Detailed instructions on installation. Coming soon in Swedish!
• Extra-wide diameter tap. Fill a 12 ounce glass in under 2 seconds.
• All stainless steel parts. Guaranteed to be well under U.S. government guidelines for radioactivity.
• Built-in safety features such as our no skid tap handle.
• Non-drip spout. Prevents anyone from sucking on the tap rather than  using their Red Solo Cup.
• New, sleek, compact design. Taking a plane to meet someone you met on Craig's List? The GSR Kegerator Express Deluxe will easily fit in the overhead compartment.
• Instructions how to return your GSR Kegerator Express Deluxe should it break. Sorry, available only in Swedish.

Expensive you ask? Please, this is Goat Soup Radio. If you were to buy this anywhere else it could easily set you back hundreds, even thousands of dollars. But it's yours for the amazingly low, low price of  three easy payments of $19.95. And, if you act right now (and is there anyone out there that would?) we'll double your order. That's right. Two GSR Kegerator Express Deluxe units for the price of one! And that's not all. If you are the 4th caller to order (optimistic, we're not), we'll send you absolutely free an autographed selfie by Steve and Lee trying to find Lee's cell phone that he lost at Walmart last week.So hurry soon.

Won't someone get Verushka's
mom a cup?

Here's what owning a GSR Kegerator Express Deluxe will do for you:

• Give you those sexy love handles you've always wanted.
• Add inches to your biceps by carrying a new keg up to your apartment week after week
• No more puking in the car! Just go out and buy a lot of that stain remover spray stuff for your carpet. Better yet, get rid of your carpet.
• Never be carded again.
• Never worry about "last call". 
• Never fall off a bar stool again (at least, not in public).

Still not convinced? Try it for 60 days. If, after this time you haven't trashed your apartment, lost your dog and taken to wearing flip flops to work, we'll double you money back... just kidding.

YOUR GUIDE TO INCREASING FLUID INTAKE

Average time to read article:  5.4 minutes.
After reading this article you will:

• Be able to ask for a refill in five languages even with a blood alcohol level of 3.2. 
• Understand the definition of the term, "really wicked pee".
• Be somewhat aware of the location of your kidneys.
• Understand the difference between foam and froth.
• Know how to bring up the word "parched" in any conversation.
• Clearly know how many 8 oz.glasses of draft beer will end in 2.5 liters of you know what.
• Be able to sit at a bar and pace yourself for the next six hours.

  

  Reduced fluid intake can lead to the
  dreaded frosted icing skin disease.

When out with your friends it is important to keep up. No one wants to be sipping a diet Sprite while all around them friends and acquaintances are having a good time downing cold draft beers, munching on free finger food during happy hour and meeting hot chicks.

Yes, it's important to be good looking, have an outgoing personality and smell like the inside of a new car. However, there's no sense in sitting at the "big boys table" if you can't empty that glass and slap it down on the bar like you know what your're doing.

Fluid intake is everything. Being thirsty is only a state of a mind. Just like we only use 20% of our brain, our kidneys are normally only worked to 30% capacity! Everyone has the ability to increase their fluid intake, triple it, in fact. Remember, just like a muscle wastes away from disuse, so can your kidneys, especially the right kidney (don't worry, I just made that up). And, likewise, exercising your kidneys by gradually increasing your drinking habits (fluid intake) will get your kidneys into tip-top shape, ready at a moment's notice to do some serious bar hopping.

Do you suffer from UE (urinal envy)? Aside from impressing chicks and friends with your drinking prowess, we all know that where it really counts is in the john. How many times have you stood next to some skinny, five foot tall, long haired a-hole waiting to see who could put out the longest stream only to be knocked out of the running after less than a minute? And then, even after you're at the sink, he's still not finished? How inadequate does that make you feel?

Why didn't she listen?

You need to get in the habit of not counting your beers, just enjoy them. Yes, you can pace yourself without anybody noticing but where's the fun in that? Instead, talk to your doctor...on second thought, don't.

This is just one of those problems that are better left unmentioned. If you can only handle six beers at a time, keep it to yourself.

Helpful Tips:

• Have a glass of beer before and after each of your meals.
• Set your smart phone alarm on vibrate to remind you to have the next beer.
• Make a goal to drink at least 42 ounces of beer per hour and try to reach it.
• Keep a beer diary of how many times you had to pay for the next round.
• In winter keep a six pack in the back of your pickup under your jumper cables. 
• Find your inner you...whenever you feel that you've had enough to drink, go for one more.
• If you work in a hot/dry environment such as a cattle barn, take as many breaks as you need to maintain your fluid intake. 
• Have a drinking problem? First try using a larger glass.

LIFE INSTITUTE OF CENTRAL KANSAS UNIVERSITY NOW ACCEPTING APPLICATIONS FOR FALL TERM

"Remember, I am not recording the vision of a madman. The sun does not more certainly shine in the heavens than that which I now affirm is true. Some miracle might have produced it, yet the stages of the discovery were distinct and probable. After days and nights of incredible labor and fatigue, I succeeded in discovering the cause of generation and life; nay, more, I became myself capable of bestowing animation upon lifeless matter."  
    Mary Shelley. Class of 2016

"I was a history major studying the Renaissance. But then, one day, I realized that all those people were dead. You would think that my advisor would have told me. Well, I soon transferred into the Life Sciences Department and now I'm creating life forms left and right. Screw Da Vinci."
    Donny Deadman. Class 2015

One of the bright spots in this economy is the job outlook for those with degrees in the life sciences. Central Kansas University has begun a $22 billion modern expansion of its 24-hour food court and life sciences program under the direction of Mary Wollstonecraft, PhD. This brilliant but deeply misguided scientist is the recipient of many awards including the 1999, "From Dust to Dermis" award by the American Spontaneous Generation Society and, for five years running,  the National Institute of Health's "Charlatan  of the Year" award.The life sciences program has as its goal, to give students the working ability to make living things out of lifeless goop, mud, junk, garbage or anything else that looks and smells disgusting.

A LICKU creation roaming the campus.
Pink is in this year.

The following list of courses are typical electives offered to life science undergrads at the Life Institute of Central Kansas University (LICK-U).:

• Of Course, the Chicken Came First 
• Moving a Dead Fly From Point A to Point B Without Anyone Noticing
• Getting Your Creature to Wink Using 500 Volts of Electricity 
• Making Roadkill Your Friend
• Mud to Mice in 12 Weeks (includes 2 hour lab Tuesdays and Thursdays)
• Creating Your First Working Genital-Urinary System: What To Expect, What to Void
• Avoiding Peer Reviewed Journals
• Neuroanatomy With String, a Glue Gun and Two Paperclips
• Introduction to Getting Your Creature Not to Poop on the Carpet
• Self-Cloning: Does the World Really Need Another You? 
• Early Language Development in Monsters (by permission of the instructor)
• Monster Ecology

This year, the Life Sciences Department is once again offering their very popular study abroad program. For an additional $2500 above regular tuition, students will get to spend one semester in a dark, dank, medieval castle somewhere in Transylvania. Working with other insane students like yourself, you will chase vampire bats, suck the life out of rats and spend many a happy hour hanging by your thumbs while graduate students attempt to measure your colon.

LICKU: It's Where Life Begins and So Does the Party.

WRITE YOUR WAY TO FAME AND GLORY

Goat Soup Radio (GSR) and the Biggest Loudest Online Writers School (BLOWS) will be offering a four week course on screenwriting. Why be stuck in a deadend job when you can sit by the pool at the famous Tulip Hotel in celebrity filled Hollywood, dictate your next blockbuster script, sip margaritas and have stars and starlets wanting to be your best friend? 

Don’t be a putz and allow this amazing opportunity to slip away. This course is only offered after significant solar flares and if you order now you will receive at no extra charge our two hour online course, “Avoiding Friends And Family Members That Are Constantly Asking You For Money”.

Meet Vinca, BLOWS graduate (top row, center) hanging
out with Hollywood's elite.

Between worrying about your next car payment and that lump behind your right knee, do you have that kernel of an idea that is just screaming to be put up on the silver screen? Here’s what “Easy Screenwriting, Easy Bucks” will do for you:

• Introduce you to the four parts of a commercial movie -- the coming attractions, the plea to turn off your cell phone, two hours of people being shot, chased by vampires, or having sex and stupid endings that really work!
• Learn how to turn off Caps Lock.
• Use proven relaxation methods to free your mind such as directing traffic at busy intersections, sticking a pencil far enough up your nose to release any excess cerebral-spinal fluid and (something we do a lot of at Goat Soup) having just enough beers to numb your fingertips but not enough to cause parkinsonian-like shakes.
• Ready your script to take to all the big movie companies, split the profits between GSR and BLOWS and leave you with just enough money to support your new cocaine habit.

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“Easy Screenwriting, Easy Bucks” has been purchased by many of Hollywood’s biggest writers, some over six feet tall! True, not one of these scripts has ever been made into a movie but we’re pretty sure you have what it takes. Don’t have a computer? No problemo. For an additional $350 BLOWS will send you a genuine wireless mouse to begin gathering all the equipment you will need to get online and further promote your sorry, pathetic, unrealistic dreams.

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Tuition is just $495 and here's what you get:

1. Our award winning, incredibly stupid, four part course, “Easy Screenwriting, Easy Bucks”.
2. The accompanying booklet, “How to phone Nigeria direct to get my money back”.
3. 10 minutes of face-to-face web chat with Esther Lester, second cousin to Vinnie Stupia, who likes going to the movies.
4. Two Forever stamps to mail your script to Warner Brothers Studios.
5. An expired $10 coupon to Bed, Bath and Beyond.
6. Our one size fits all unless you're a munchkin, “Would You Call Someone in the Movie Business For Me?” tee-shirt.

But, be forewarned. Writing is not for everybody. Many a student has taken up the challenge only to be thwarted by words, periods and 20 lb. multipurpose paper. 

Ponder the case of Mary Marbles. Miss Mary was a good girl. A girl with a dream. True, she did have three convictions for armed robbery, but that was all in the past. Living in her halfway house one day she decided to put paper to pen. When that didn't work she tried pen to paper. Success! It was here that the words flowed, flowered but then floundered. Mary soon felt she didn't have what it takes. Perhaps this wasn't her calling. Perhaps she was fated, like all bad girls, for the nunnery. 
And, like so many before her, she didn't know where to turn for solace, guidance and a good fleecing.

Then, one day she heard a voice whisper in her ear, "It blows". At first, she began a rewrite of Moby Dick. But then, hearing about the Biggest Loudest Online Writing School, Mary sent in her application and all the food money she had left to feed her severely undernourished little sister. Mary studied real hard and soon began to take charge of her life. And, although Mary's little sister didn't make it and Mary is now collecting shopping carts at Trader Joe's, she still has her dream to become a Hollywood hack, no matter how unattainable that dream may be.

Das Ende.

Just go to www.letmegiveyoumymoney.ru and begin typing today!