FDA OKAYS THREE WAY PILL

The 1950's saw many scientific breakthroughs. Highlights include Ukulele Jones, Hawaii's favorite son, who, in 1955, took the sacred four cornered hula hoop, dumped the corners and sold millions. In 1951, our main man, Hugh Hefner, proved Einstein's 2nd theory of heavenly bodies showing that the centerfold, ipso facto, the center of the universe, could, in fact, hold two enormous breasts at the same time while they were moving at the speed of light in opposite directions. But, what is generally accepted to be the greatest breakthrough of this decade is Masters and Johnson's 1957 seminal paper, "What Turns Women On In Bed?"

Interviewing  487 women between the ages of 21 and 95, the three greatest "turn-ons", in order of importance, was a man's sexual potency, fresh breath and a French accent.
Previously, it would have taken a man years to master these three areas. Such a feat would require millions of sit-ups and push-ups combined with total abstinence from masturbation, gallons of mouthwash and at least 4 semesters of Conversational French, including one semester at the 400 level with permission of the instructor.

Taking its cue from this oft cited paper, pharmaceutical companies, not to mention Girls and Guns Magazine, have tried to help the American male realize his full potential. Save for certain potential side effects such as blindness, heart failure and bloody urine ( a small price to pay for a good woody, wouldn't you say?), the dreaded malady ED (erectile dysfunction) has now been all but tamed by a simple little pill. Of course, getting drunk as a skunk doesn't help matters, nor does trying to have sex with someone while driving your pickup 70 mph with your sister in the back seat.

Dolores says, "My men take
Friagra, or they take me home."

Today, all that has changed. Dover Pharmaceuticals, in collaboration with the Let's Learn French Company, introduces Friagra. One pill taken before the appointed time and a man will be sailing full speed ahead with all four oars rowing hard and swift, all the while speaking in that crazy French accent. Bad breath got you down? Try Friagra Mint for that cool, minty flavor. She'll think you've taken her away to some breezy tropical island instead of that sleazy, cheap motel you've using since you were 17.

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However, Goat Soup Radio would be remiss if it didn't present the full story behind this new wonder drug.

1. Experimenting first with male lab rats, erections were stupendous but their French was a little hard to understand.
2. Female lab rats showed no preference for Fresh Mint over Regular. Apparently, oral sex isn't such a big thing in the animal kingdom.
3. After accidentally feeding Friagra to some female lab rats, Dover Pharmaceuticals had to place an emergency order for some really, really small dildos.
4. Unfortunately, Friagra has been banned in France, It seems that men taking Friagra, while already speaking French, made them sound like Pepe Le Pew.
5. Germany has also banned Friagra. But, this it seems was just to piss off the French.
6. A generic knockoff from Thailand has become available. Unfortunately, due to language issues, lint was added to the pill instead of mint. Possible side effects include; dry mouth, lots of hair balls and necessitating the brushing of your tongue on a daily basis, preferably with a lint brush.
7. When taken in suppository form, that fresh, minty feeling may actually burn a little bit between the cheeks and your French may be an octave or two higher.
8. Contrary to what you've seen on YouTube, adding Friagra to your pickups gas tank does not let you go that extra mile.  
9. If we didn't believe in the stuff and had not personally tried it ourselves, we would never write about it. That's not to say, of course, that we are in need of it. Investigative journalism really takes a lot out of you, especially around last call.