ICE CUBE NUMBERS PLUMMET FOR 5TH STRAIGHT YEAR. GLOBAL WARMING BLAMED.

Many of the effects of global warming are well known. The decline of species, the reduced demand for woolen socks and the fact that less time is now needed when rubbing two sticks together to make a fire, have all been documented. Many of these effects can be called nuisances but certainly not something to jump off the Tallahassee Bridge about. However, two years ago, rumors began to spread at the annual meeting of the Refrigerator and Air Conditioner Slick Talking Salesmen's Association that something was rotten in Iceland.

“I first saw it in our test kitchen," said Rita Bonita, product engineer for GED refrigerators. "Our ice cube production numbers per unit was slipping month by month. After testing every component we decided to take an cube count, and sure enough, there were 3.5% less ice cubes per unit and the ice cubes were 8.6% smaller in volume than 2001. Additional findings at our Fairbanks, Alaska Outdoor Refrigerator and Frozen Nipples Testing Facility (ORFNTF) showed the problem to be global warming.

U.N. Powerpoint Slide #1

GSR has learned that steps are now being taken by the United Nations and ShopRite to assess the situation and try to find a solution. A special G-5 Ice Cube Summit is being planned for May, 2014.

U.N. Powerpoint Slide # 4

This is a very disturbing finding," said Glenn R. Bumpercrop, my 9th grade biology teacher. “My estimate is that we have 5 years to reverse this phenomenon or it will be the beginning of the end of mostly the mid-way point which is half way down the block from the starting point but mostly up and down approaching infinity. Once ice cube numbers fall below species maintenance levels, we won't see their likes again for another 1000 years. As well, with only juvenile ice cubes available in the future, ice cube sexual maturity is bound to be lowered. Thus setting the stage for lawlessness, kitchen drudgery and many, many unwanted baby ice cubes. The outcome of all this may lead to the dreaded "freezer burn syndrome - a slow and chronic wasting away of any freezer food, especially chicken thighs, purchased before 2009."

When GSR interrupted Mr. Bumpercrop to tell him that ice cubes weren't really living things, just water frozen into a solid state, and that it really wasn't the end of the world if we didn't have ice cubes, he got very angry and made us sit at our desks without talking until class ended. Not cool.

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As a public service, GSR  would like to offer some ways in which you can help:

1. Join a local Save The Ice Cube Club in your area.
2. Keep your freezer door closed when not in use cooling your panties.
3. Purchase only certified, range free, organically made ice cubes.
4. Finished with your drink? Just slip your remaining ice cubes into the person's glass next to you when they're not looking.
5. Start a petition to outlaw Zambonis.
6. Keep all your thermostats below 30 degrees Fahrenheit.
7. Date an Eskimo.
8. Report any suspicious looking ice picks to Homeland Freezer Security .
9. Make a donation to Doctor's Without Cubes.