MARINI CLIPPER ECONOMIC INDEX TUMBLES 13.06%: FEDERAL RESERVE CALLS FOR CALM

Obama To Convene "Super Economist Group".
Goldman Sacks 'O Money Begins Charging For Meals In Company Cafeteria.

The Marini Clipper Index, one of the most internationally recognized barometers of the health of the American economy took a big hit today. With its uncanny ability to describe the dollar's value (past, present and future) with great accuracy and human pathos, the Index is also known to be 99.95% immune against falsehoods, flubs, flops, fallacies, falsettos, falsies and flatulence. Today's announcement of its near total collapse appears to have quartered the yen, diced the euro and grated the British pound quicker than you can freeze a bunch of screaming, kicking earthworms by sticking them in your kitchen freezer right next to your favorite bottle of chilled vodka.

Since its creation in 1934 when Professor Marini Pannini of Yale University's School of Neat Rope Tricks first published his groundbreaking solution to the Six Mallomars on a Train Problem, the Marini Clipper Economic Index has been the cornerstone of nearly every economic decision that the Federal Reserve, the U.S. Treasury Department and Gooch's All Night Towing Service have made.

Marini Clipper Economic Index
takes a dive. Is anything safe
anymore?

Editor's Note: To fully understand the Marini Clipper Economic Index, the following information has been lifted, without permission, from the award winning documentary "Advancing Our Cause: The Nail Clipper, the Great Depression and Me". 

Often, big ideas start with an idea that just gets bigger. So it was with Dr. Fred Munckshoe, the only podiatrist in I Liked It Better When We Were a Territory, Idaho. It was April 16, 1932 when Dr. Munkshoe broke his only nail clipper on Little Sam Harden's left big toenail. Needing a replacement, the good doctor bought a new nail clipper from his supplier who then sent Dr. Muckshoe a thank you note. Fast forward one week (leaving out for the moment Dr. Muckshoe's strange dalliance with the widow Kitteridge, 20 years his senior and seven inches taller) Dr. Muckshoe came to a really ridiculous conclusion. "Suppose," he says, "that if more people ordered even more nail clippers, well then, wouldn't even more people become happy with their lot in life? Wouldn't that just be swell for the entire nation?"

This was his great spark of genius, his epiphany, and his gesundheit all rolled up into one big cheese gnocchi. "All I have to do", he said, "was count the number of nail clippers purchased nationwide, divide by something or other and thus have a single arithmetic value of America's economic strength. Why didn't I think of it when I still had my license?"

The final scene in the documentary shows Dr. Muckshoe driving north to Yale University (he mistakenly thought Yale was in Billings, Montana) to convince the famous professor, Marini Pannini, that the Great Depression could be overcome by putting more nail clippers into the hands of America's downtrodden and unemployed. Thankfully, the documentary ends with the evil Professor Pannini being hauled off to jail after having stuffed Dr. Munkshoe, his nail clippers and poor Mrs. Kitteridge into a trunk and mailing them all off to Where's My Next Beer Coming From, Australia.

What does all this have to do with the price of a half dozen hot wings at Sally's Cantina and U.S. Post Office Substation? We don't know. But the next time you visit Norway and have to exchange American dollars for Norweigian ikeas (or whatever they use there) you can thank "Too Tall" Kitteridge for all those crisp 500 Norweigian bills you have in your pocket.

TAKE QWIK-SNEEZE AND STOP THOSE EMBARRASSINGLY LONG DRAWN OUT SNEEZES

Let's be real. You're standing in the wings of the Kennedy Center in Washington D.C, waiting to accept your lifetime achievement award for always finishing the beer in front of you before beginning another. And you're just one half mile from where one of our greatest presidents, Richard Milhous Nixon got us out of Vietnam, opened China, ended the draft, established the EPA, signed Title IX, thus ending gender bias in colleges and universities, established American Indian tribal self determination, participated in the Strategic Arms Limitation Talks, signed the Anti-Ballistic Missile Treaty, supported a military coup against Chilean Marxist President Salvador Allende, actively supported Israel during the Yom Kippur War and sank millions and millions of dollars into the war against cancer. Need I go on?

Anyway, there you are about to walk onstage and be handed your hard earned award from some six foot two inch red haired super uber model (born in some Alpine country somewhere) who's wearing nothing but two pieces of dental floss and seven inch black stilettos with the leather straps that go up the ankles when you feel the mother of all sneezes coming on.

Here are your choices:

1. Just let it happen and probably sneeze all over the hottest girl you've ever been within two miles of.
2. Try to hold it in and walk on stage, mouth open, face and upper body clenched tight, eyes almost shut, breathing rapidly and not able to speak or think.
3. Run out of there, go back to Phoenix, live your sorry life unrecognized for anything, gain 30 pounds, become hypertensive and die in the men's room of Sally's Taco and Beer Cantina.
4. Or... you can take just one Qwik-Sneeze tablet, sneeze before anyone notices, go onstage, get your award, lock lips with Francesca, go back to Phoenix and never feel embarrassed about falling off a bar stool again.

Even sneezing and praying at the same time won't
help. Clint could use a Qwik-Sneeze.

The choice is easy and the one and only brand you can trust is Flim Flam Phlegm Pharmaceutical's Qwik-Sneeze. Since 2012, Qwik-Sneeze has been there for people that are just too loud and too gross when they have to let out that big sneeze.

Look, if you're going to sneeze why not control it before it controls you? Why not get ahead of the game and take a Qwik-Sneeze when needed and quickly and quietly sneeze into your shirtsleeve, your sandwich or your friend's sandwich? Really, don't you draw enough attention to yourself in life already with your B.O., your hairy ears and your nail biting?  Also, do you think it's fun for someone else having to count Mississippis while waiting for your latent sneeze to appear so they can say "Gesundheit" and move on?

Editor's Note:  Ever since Popovich's 1972 groundbreaking study showing that a sneeze is equal to 1/10 of an orgasm, people have been seeking the holy grail of medicine: the constant, unremitting sneezing pill. Now, with Qwik-Sneeze, as long as you are into quickies, you're set for life!

And now it's easy. Qwik-Sneeze is available in both tablet and gel capsule form. Are you one of those who find it difficult swallowing pills and capsules? Qwik-Sneeze is now available in our patented easy-to-swallow faux raw clam gelatinous glop.

FDA Red Label Warning.

The effect of taking more than five Qwik-Sneeze units in a single 24-hour period has not been established, However, should you find yourself one day sneezing uncontrollably, slobbering all over your friends and causing wide spread outbreaks of the flu in cities you've never been to, then follow these simple rules:

1. Take a long hot shower.
2. Bring your best outfit to the dry cleaners.
3. Shine your shoes.
4. Purchase the largest bread you can find that comes in its own plastic bag, remove the bread and get into the bag.
5. Wait for The End. A good drink or two is permissible as well as sex (if available). 

CARRYMEPLEASE OBTAINS $4 MILLION IN FIRST ROUND FINANCING

Trading on the success of ride sharing services such as Uber, Lyft and Gett, Carrymeplease seems to be the new "it" tech company. Beginning on October 15, 2013 with Carrymeplease's founder Dorothy Nematoda taking foreign rights legal adviser Mike Dresser piggyback from his desk to his wastebasket, a new mode of social transportation was born.

Mike and Dorothy reenact
the company's first ride.

"I have to admit, we had our fingers crossed," said Mrs. Nematoda."When Mike used our app asking me to become his Piggy Wiggy driver and deliver him from his home base to his wastebasket, you could hear a pin drop. But, I took a deep breath, walked directly over to him, went into receptacle position number one and in just a heart beat there he was, transported from home base to wastebasket, efficiently and securely."

Asked for his own memories of that special day, Mr. Dresser replied, "I was amazed. She came up in front of me so quickly. Once she got into position, I knew it was my time to take the next step. I focused as hard as I could and I guess I jumped on her back, I really don't remember much after that. The next thing I know I was standing in front of my wastebasket and everyone was cheering. I was so thrilled to be there and to be a part of Dorothy's 20 year dream, I found myself crying, laughing and peeing, all at the same time. It was so emotional."
**********************************

Currently. there are three cities involved with the Carrymeplease beta version: Hest, Arkansas, West, Florida and Chest, Maine. To become mankind's first choice in locomotion, these three towns and cities had to meet or exceed six very specific parameters:

1. Towns and cities (hereafter T&C's - I don't have all day, here) where at least 12% of the population leave their bedroom at least once per day.
2. T&C's where 25% of the population don't mind bending over once in a while.
3. T&C's where people are getting tired of cars, taxis, bicycles, buses, trains, airplanes, nuclear powered submarines, sleds pulled by reindeer and of course, walking, running, skipping or hopping.
4. T&C's who's name rhymes with breast.
5. T&C's where people have to get from Point A to Point B, enjoy breathing clean, fresh air, don't mind wrapping their legs around strangers and don't mind eyeing the occasional butt crack.
6. T&C's no greater than .0057 square miles in area.

Carrymeplease now makes it so convenient for anyone to get anywhere. With it's newly patented Wave Technology you'll find yourself with an eager and willing Piggy Wiggy bent over outside your door in just minutes. Just download our free app and get in gear!

With our new Wave Technology even
little Lulu can quickly snag a ride.

Now, with $4 million dollar in angel investing to play with (after all, this is all made up while I'm waiting for my Meatballs and Mozzarella Hot Pockets to warm up), Carrymeplease is ready for the next challenge.

"I don't see why this very simple but very effective mode of transportation can't be NASA's answer for landing astronauts on Mars," said Peter Notfunnyenough, Carrymeplease chief engineer and absolute lunatic. "Our studies show that the amount of forward inertia generated by that initial jump is at least 300 times more powerful than popping the cap on a bottle of artisan beer. Multiply that by our estimated user base in the year 2145 and Mars is just around the corner."
****************************************

IF YOU LIVE IN A TOWN OR CITY THAT RHYMES WITH THE 

WORD 'BREAST', CARRYMEPLEASE WANTS TO TALK TO YOU!

It is estimated that each day in the United States someone goes somewhere every 5 seconds! Why put yourself in a vehicle when you can put yourself on a vehicle? If you live anywhere within the sound of my squeaky shoes, you can't pass up this opportunity. Catching a ride with a Carrymeplease PiggyWiggy will save you time, money and gas.

Or...are you interested in becoming a Carrymeplease Piggy Wiggy and make a guaranteed $5000 per month in your spare time (once you leave your chiropractor's office each day)? Text us with height, weight, date of birth and the last nine digits of your social security number and join our team today!

AGRICULTURE DEPARTMENT BANS OUTDOOR SMOKING ON FARMLAND

Change Coming in 2018

"This is the most important advance to come to farming in the past 50 years. Forget genetically modified seeds, crop rotation, Pringles and sing-alongs. This is the hot potato, the cold cauliflower, the   singing snap pea all rolled into one." - Hey Abbott, Chairman, Farming, Bungee Jumping and Interstate Idolatry Subcommittee

The U.S. Department of Agriculture announced today that smoking will be banned from all exterior grounds on farms with more than three acres of arable land. It was said that the decision was made in light of the newest Corn On The Cob Community College (Go Kernels!) study that showed for the first time a significant relationship between secondhand smoke and poor quality, diseased farm products.The announcement went on to say that suspicions were raised when it was noticed that seed crops were aging faster and quickly getting out of breath.

Goat Soup Radio, always ready to do the footwork, spoke to Arnie Johanson, owner of the Bite My Three Cows Farm in Beep-Beep County, Wisconsin. "I thought I was going crazy, especially during harvest season. Every time I heard a hacking cough coming from my patch of cucumbers, I'd look around and wouldn't find anyone. Changed the oil in my tractor almost every day but it didn't help.Then at church one Sunday, I overheard Old Man Plowshares saying just about the same thing. Only he kept hearing a wheezing sound coming from his wheat field. I've been smoking since I was four. What am I supposed to do now, switch to those new electronic cigarettes and start sucking on some Chinese transistor battery?"

Wally Watermelon and Candy Cantaloupe can
now go ahead with their wedding plans, even
though Wally is still bereft of seed. *

Steven Cuke, a professor of absurdest agronomy at Corn On The Cob told GSR that the the federal government has to act fast before this country falls into into what he called an 'avalanche of asthmatic agricultural anarchy'. 

"If anyone's ever sat with a Vidalia onion that's coughing all day and trying to catch its breath, well, it's just too hard to put into words," said Dr.Cuke.

GSR's political correspondent, Cherry Picker (former Steve Ryman's girlfriend and now dating anyone not on life support) uncovered a little known rule in the government's ban on outdoor smoking. Apparently smoking will be permitted on tobacco farms in designated areas. Exposure to secondhand smoke has been observed to sexually arouse the stems of tobacco plants (Nicotiana marlborous) and in so doing makes for a stiffer cigar.

GSR's science correspondent, Esther Lester texted us from his mom's house where he has been living since he was three. Mr. (or Ms.) Lester reported that once subjected to second hand smoke a tomato has a 37% chance of beginning to smoke cigarettes, a 15% chance of smoking cigars and a 4% chance of using chewing tobacco. The likelihood of graduating college drops 45% and the chances of remaining on the vine until harvest drops 68%! Furthermore, smoking cessation programs, common in urban areas, are hard to find in today's pastures, especially for chain smoking endives.

It may be a long time before Benny
 Broccoli has another coffee and a smoke.

FDA WARNING:
Exposure of tobacco plants to more than 20 minutes of continual secondhand smoke may result in that most terrible of all side effects, plantus erectus significus. Should such a stem erection (plantus erectus) last more than one growing season (very significus), do not attempt to treat. Call Flaccid Control at 1-800-YME-YME-YME and ask for Nurse Ratchet. 

* If you don't get this joke, office hours are 2:15 PM to 3:30 PM every Tuesday. But just not this decade.

CONGRESS MOVES THANKSGIVING HOLIDAY TO JANUARY

CHANGE GOES INTO EFFECT 2017
LOSING SIDE CRIES FOWL
SEEN AS VICTORY FOR K STREET TURKEYS FOR TOMORROW LOBBY

After three hours of intense debate, the House of Representatives narrowly passed the American Turkey Reprieve Bill (HR No. BIRD-485). Perched high above the steps of the Capitol, Representative Warren G. Breastbone made the historic announcement. "Between those who wanted to stuff themselves each Thanksgiving with turkey and those that wanted to give all turkeys the right to a long and prosperous life, a compromise has been reached. By moving the holiday to January, turkeys from coast to coast will have an additional two months to kick around the barnyard, grow fat with their friends and family and live long enough to find out who won the Superbowl. Some may say that two months is just not enough but we must keep in mind that a turkey year is the same as 18 human years.... I think. Once the National Cranberry Sauce Association signs on, we think it'll fly."

It may be too late here for Fred but we're
sure he's smiling down from avian heaven.

Snood Wattle, spokesperson for Turkeys Have Rights And Souls, Hombre (THRASH) put out the following statement:  "A simple presidential pardon of just one turkey each year by the president was unacceptable. Why should that one pardoned turkey carry all that guilt? Let the word go forth from this time and place that each and every turkey deserves his or her share of the American sweet potato pie."

Baste University recently polled 1,246 turkeys and asked if they preferred the extra two months of life or would they rather be electrocuted, decapitated, plucked and frozen for the traditional November date. By a margin of 1,242 to 3, the preference was to wait until January. One turkey wasn't home and three turkeys liked the fact that Thanksgiving fell on the last Thursday in November and said they couldn't wait to become tomorrow's leftovers. 
Editor's Note: These three suicidal birds have since received intensive psychological help and are now doing much better except for the occasional quack. The one non respondent turkey came home Tuesday and has since found a job at Whole Foods collecting shopping carts in the parking lot.

Goat Soup Radio has obtained through the Freedom of Giblet Act, the previously double secret hidden political  platform of THRASH and is presenting it here for your listening pleasure.

1. Every turkey deserves to live a long and fruitful life regardless of how juicy its breast meat is.
2. Shoved into a turkey's breast, those sharp, pointy pop up turkey timers represent a form of cruel and unusual punishment and should be replaced by non invasive digital scanning thermometers.
3. Gay. lesbian and transgender turkeys should be allowed to add their significant other onto their health insurance plan.
4. People should be made aware that saying that someone has a turkey neck is a compliment and not a derisive comment.
5. Over 10 million turkey wishbones are snatched from turkeys annually and maliciously torn apart. The federal government should immediately begin work on creating the world's first sure-grip stem cell wishbone.
6. Roasting turns the skin of a turkey golden brown which can cause premature age spots (the dreaded turkey freckleiasis). Before placing the turkey in the oven, only apply butter or oil to the turkey skin with an SPF14 rating or higher. 
7. Most turkeys do not stay in school past the eighth grade. All turkeys should be encouraged to graduate on time. 
8. Congress should pass the Free Range Turkey Bill permitting turkeys to travel throughout the United States and Canada without the threat of being mistaken for an ostrich and shot.
9. Turkey pot pies are primitive, vestigial hold outs from 18th century American colonial recipes at their worst and should be immediately outlawed under penalty of no less than three days of painful pernicious public pubic pecking.
10. Eat a leg, plant a leg. Turkeys once roamed the Americas in the millions. Sadly, their numbers have dwindled. After finishing that moist, meaty turkey leg, go out to the garden, plant the uneaten leg at least six inches below ground, water carefully and help fill the skies once again with that American of all birds.
11. Eleven? You try to write one of these. 

RIGHT: I wish I was 6 inches taller and had a smaller forehead.

LEFT:  I wish I could find someone else to date besides this mellon head.

CAREENING CHIANTI CARAFE COLLISION KILLS CLAIR VOYANT (45), CLAIRVOYANT TO THE STARS AND FRANCHISE DEVELOPER

Yesterday, Hollywood's 'D', 'E' and 'F' list paid their final respects to Clair Voyant, one of the most powerful figures in movies, television and Greek oracles. Known in the trade as an-expensive-know-it-all-before-it-happens, Ms. Voyant, Ouija to her friends, epitomized the typical Hollywood story.

Growing up under her parents kitchen sink in I Liked Being a Territory, Idaho and never seeing a can opener until she was 12, Ms. Voyant could only picture in her mind what it would be like to run through a school playground, the air whistling through her hair and not hitting her head on a drain pipe. But I digress.

No car? Just call us up. Note
official Clair's uniform and cap.

After making her way west in the back of a cabbage truck, Clair knew she'd score big.Time and time again she was able to pick Hollywood's winners and losers: the movies, the stars, the boob jobs, the elevated shoes. It was said that for $500, Clair would choose for you the right movie project, tomorrow's wardrobe and your next colonoscopy. 

Pinching her pennies and many a cheek among Hollywood's glitterati, Clair opened her first fortune telling storefront. One store became five and soon, Clair's House of Clairvoyance became one of the most successful franchises around. With over 650 storefront fortune tellers, many with Clair's exclusive Read Your Palm drive-through windows, Clair Voyant made her fortune. Famous for creating the concept of  "super-timing"  one's session from the regular 20 minutes to an extra large 50 minutes of predictions, prognostications and pure nonsense, Clair's House of Clairvoyance left her competition far behind.

Taken right from the prospectus of Clair's House of Clairvoyance, here are seven reasons why you should become an owner of one of the fastest growing franchises in the world.

1. Be your own boss, set your own hours and find out how to fleece anyone.
2. Learn how to levitate, walk on the ceiling and make howling, creepy sounds just by pulling on your ear lobe.
3. Make new friends with dead people.
4. Become really good at shaking tables without anyone seeing you do it.
5. Once you get the hang of teleporting your mind, you'll never loose a sock again.
6. By always having to keep the room dark, you'll cut your monthly utility bills in half.
7. Ready to retire? Drill three holes into your crystal ball and take up bowling.

Still not convinced that Clair's House of Clairvoyance isn't the best investment you could make? Go ask someone at McDonald's if you should put all your money into Balkan organic clam farming and see what kind of an answer you get.

Hesitant? Listen to Clair (from Beyond) and know that you're making the right decision. 

"Comrade, Are you tired of working in a dead end job when you could be working with dead people, not to mention a beloved dead pet once in a while? Haven't you had your fill of bending over every time the boss comes around when you could be bending forks and spoons just by thinking it? But let's be really honest. It's not the money, is it? We both know it's the power! Here I am standing right behind you, whispering in your ear and I'm dead. True, you're an idiot. But isn't that the point? Comrade, let me make you rich!"

PROTECT YOUR U.S. ASSETS WITH AN OVERSEAS FRIEND

Is the IRS slowly eating you alive? Don't you want to stop filling all your empty peanut butter jars with your hard won tens and twenties? Or are you a 56 year old middle school art teacher (a complete failure at internet dating, by the way) who has saved every penny you've ever earned, always turned off the lights when leaving the room and has brought the same boring cucumber and lettuce sandwich to school every day for the past 23 years?

Gooch's All Night Island Towing and Asset Management Group would love to hear from you! Not one of the 7,387 other asset management companies on our tropical, sunny island of Little Cay can hide your money better and change your car's windshield wipers faster then us. We've been in the business since 1998 with 17 U.S outstanding warrants, 46 subpoenas and no convictions!

Harvey says, "Thanks to Mr. Gooch,
I'll now be able to take it all with me."

Editor's Note: The etymological  origin of the word 'asset' is unknown. However, the first known use of the word (for the listener's convenience, here set in bold)  is found in William Shakespeare's Romeo and Juliet.

ACT 2 Sc. 4
ROMEO  Reason not the need. Pray tell, hast thou spied Juliet, what a beautiful ass et seems to be.

Really, why hide your money somewhere on Little Cay and not also have the peace of mind of never having to fix a flat yourself? Do you really want to come down here and give all your assets to some elitist, ivy league graduate who only cares about his golf swing and upcoming divorce so he can finally score his trophy wife?

FAQs

I have a lot of money invested in a hog farm in North Dakota. How many hogs can you keep for me?
What, are you crazy? If you want to put all that bacon somewhere, send it over to IHOP. This ain't no barnyard.

I am a high net worth client. Can you accommodate me? 
Brother, you come down here and we'll set you up real good. Homemade Jamaican beef patties, your own take home beach towel and all the curry goat you can eat.

Can a foreigner open a bank account in Little Cay?
Now what you want to go do that for man? You just bring over all your cash, gold and diamonds to Mr. Gooch and don't you worry about any of that.

What if I'm followed down to Little Cay?
Not to worry man. They may fly into Little Cay on Antigua Air but they'll be flying out of Little Cay on little angel wings.

*******************

Just listen to what some of our handful of customers have to say about Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group:

"I've been stealing from my company for years. I was rolling in dead presidents. Fancy cars, jewelry, my own line of organic staple guns. But I still couldn't hide it quickly enough from the wife and kids. Then, I heard of Gooch's. Now I get to keep all of my money and I don't need my AAA card anymore." - Esther Lester III, Goldilocks, Texas.

"Yes, I had a Gooch account in Little Cay. My money was safe but then I got careless and I began to keep some extra cash in one of those Swiss banks you keep hearing about. Big mistake. The feds stepped in and now all I get for breakfast is water and powdered eggs." - Earl O. Glouschester, Inmate no. 584739. Aurora Prison for the Criminally Inept and Stupid, This-Ain't-No-Alcatraz, Maine.

"I sent Mr. Gooch $8.98 that I saved from my lemonade stand. Now I wanna buy a goldfish but he won't let me have any of my money back. That's not fair. I want my money!" - Little Tommy Gunn, 7, Crybaby, Illinois.

***********************

And remember...
 Gooch's All Night Towing and Asset Management Group is a founding member of the Little Cay Better Business Bureau for the Betterment of Us and Screw Everyone Else.

GSR REACHES 1 MILLION HITS PER DAY

Independent Media Stream recently announced its latest 20 day statistical study on the biggest drivers of net referrals, web traffic and turning off your computer and just going out for a nice quiet walk. Moving up behind Facebook, Yahoo and Gunga Din, Goat Soup Radio has increased listeners to its web site by more than 459% in the last lunar cycle.

Artist rendition of Betty Bisquick, GSR's
 1M page viewer on July 23, 2014.

How did two unemployed small engine repair servicemen take their dream of becoming the voice of downtown Phoenix and turn it into the internet juggernaut that has become Goat Soup Radio in just 17 short months? Where did Steve and Lee Ryman develop their well honed skills in comedy, journalism, pick-up lines, political savvy and the ability to inspire the 12,456 employees of GSR (12,448 interns, 5 grill masters, two professional steer wrestling champions and one yodeling cowgirl) to ever greater heights of critical writing, baby talk discourse, fragrant French fuzzy farts, copyright infringement and donkey pong?

Was it their ability to put on a French-Canadian accent at a moment’s notice? Their color coordinated flip flops? Their predilection for Mexican beer, nude karaoke and Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap?

True, the employment numbers are slightly exaggerated by about 12,454. And, there is no yodeling cowgirl. However, Steve swears that Lindsay, a girl he dated about three years ago, used to yodel in bed, although it was embarrassingly painful to listen to. 

GSR's imaginary 12,454 employees
would probably want to do this
everyday during lunch.

Editor's Note (just before he quit): About the only thing GSR can really lay claim to is consistency. After 17 months of weekly tirades against everybody and everything, GSR still hasn't garnered any followers, comments or a single,"Waz up?". What's the point? I'm still living at home, I can't find my skateboard and my iphone hasn't worked in six months.

However, things are starting to turn around. The Securities and No Change Commission has contacted our lawyer in Folsom Prison, Esther Lester (inmate no. 4857-AC/DC), demanding an explanation as to how we have monopolized the web in so short a time. Not wishing to be put in time out, GSR has decided to come clean and present their Eight Rules For Telling A Joke. 

1. Jokes must be told in English. It doesn't help if the waitress ein grobes Durcheinander ihre Hose. 
2. Very long jokes better have something to do with sex.
3. If you plan on telling a joke in a bar while sitting on a swivel type bar stool, unless the person you are telling the joke to is very, very fat, do not twist more than 18 degrees in any direction.
4. When telling a joke to a very short person try not to drool.
5. To make a joke even better, get naked. Things tend to shake.
6. Never tell a really good joke standing directly in front of someone who is eating Cheerios out of the box.
7. Just like a sentence, a joke must have a subject and a predicate. We're not sure what a predicate is, but try not to be the subject of your own joke.
8. It is never a good idea to tell a joke to someone who is retaining water.

COLONEL FRANK'S MILITARY STRENGTH BUBBLE BATH SOAP. SUPPLY LIMITED.

Ginger's Country Store and  Bar-B-Que Pit  is pleased to announce their large but limited purchase of  Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap. Available in one pound and battalion size 25 pound packages, Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath Soap will be sure to please everyone in your platoon.

At ease. Have you ever stood buck naked in front of your tub, ready to take the plunge, only to know deep down in your gut that your bubble bath just isn't up to snuff? Is your tub smelling of some Martha Stewart floral arrangement? Are your bubbles popping under the slightest friendly fire? Do you find yourself rubbing your skin raw just because the cleaning power of your bubble bath is only fit for civilians that couldn't tell the difference between an M-17 and a Kalashnikov? We feel for you, sister.

I love my Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath
Soap so much, I'm thinking of enlisting!

That's why Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap is just what you need. Just one ounce added to your bath, whether at home, catching a little R&R south of the border or out on look out, you'll see, smell and feel the difference just as soon as you dip your big toe into that gorgeous pool of liquid nirvana. Close your eyes and just smell the built in aroma of burning gun powder wafting from the bath. Then, once immersed, feel the soap bubbles, each and every regulation size 22 mm diameter bubble guaranteed to last the life of your bath... even if you're one of those who lies there hour after hour listening to Otis Redding on your ipod.

And don't forget. No ring around the tub when you're keeping company with Colonel Frank. The Colonel's exclusive "take no prisoners" cleansing action reconnoiters, surrounds, and practically nukes each and every grease ball, unaccounted for pubic hair and oily drop of sweat that a soldier like you can produce either out in the field or back on base.

So take advantage of this special offer right now. Drop your weapon, salute the sarge and put out a Mayday for Colonel Frank's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap. It's what America needs. It's where you want to be.

Colonel Frank's Bubble Bath Soap is
also a favorite with the K-9 Corps.

And, if you order in the next 10 minutes supplying  your name, rank, sharp shooter awards, and an 8 X 10 colored glossy of yourself ready to take the plunge, Ginger may just decide to come over and fix that first bath for you.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING:  Ingestion of Colonel Franks's Military Strength Bubble Bath Soap bubbles may trigger the lethal form of constipation previously only found in wombats, constipationis maximus. There is no cure and do not bother to call Poison Control. Get your affairs in order and take your best outfit to the dry cleaners right now.

WELCOME TO GSR'S PERSONAL MAKEOVER TIP # 326

Imagine whitening your teeth the same way some of Hollywood's biggest stars do. GSR wants to let you in on their secret. But first, ask yourself these five questions:

• Are you on the American Dental Association's 'Do Not Treat List'?
• When you open your mouth are astronomers reminded of a black hole?
• Are your teeth so yellow, when you open your mouth cars slow down thinking it's a yellow traffic light?
• Have you spent all of your money with commercial teeth whiteners but to no avail?
• Do the bristles of your toothbrush dissolve away after only a few days of use?
• Has your breath been designated a toxic Superfund site?

If you answered yes to all of the above questions, then it's all in

God's hands. But, if you answered no to two or more questions, then there is hope.

"Why"? you may ask. "Especially after I've been clean and sober all these 12 weeks do I need to address this issue?" 

A recent survey in Car and Bar Magazine found that poor oral hygiene is only behind a runny nose and projectile vomiting when it comes to wanting to better oneself. Consider these questions. Do you really want to wait 20 years when the amount of atmospheric carbon dioxide reaches 450 ppm before taking action? Are you prepared to empty out all of Walmart's Oral Hygiene shelves just to score a date? Of course not, comrade.

So here's GSR's Personal Makeover Tip Number 327.

1. Visit your favorite office supply store and pick up a bottle of Sylvia's Liquid White Up Correction fluid.
2. Purchase a bottle of Babushka's Nail Hardener Solution at your local pharmacy.
3. Go home, have a beer or two, and then add seven drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener to Sylvia's Liquid White Up.
4. Close the screw cap tight and then shake that bottle like your hand was on fire.
5. Then, stand in front of a mirror and give us that stupid little grin you're famous for.
6. Open the cap and with the included applicator brush begin applying the solution to all of your remaining teeth.
7. To allow the solution to dry thoroughly, we suggest you count to 5,345 backwards before closing your mouth. 

   

   Remember: Tip #326 also works
   for your pets

   
   

Reapply every 437 days or before you become psychotic, whichever comes first.

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Future Makeover Tips include:

Number 327. Turn your smelly feet into your best friends.

Number 328. Use those fingernail clippings for that special holiday garnish.

Number 329. Eliminating nasal hair with only a single lit match.

FDA RED LABEL WARNING: Spilling just a few drops of Babushka's Nail Hardener on one's Johnson requires prompt medical attention. Until  help arrives, immediately immerse the boner in Chan's Old Fashioned Duck Sauce. Remember, seconds count!

ONCE ELECTED, HILLARY HINTS TO NOMINATE BILL AND CHELSEA FOR AMBASSADORSHIPS

In a surprising act of political openness, Hillary Clinton twittered yesterday the future disposition of her daughter, Chelsea and her husband, ex-president Bill Clinton, once Mrs. Clinton is to become president. Chelsea Clinton graduated mangia cum latte from Slippery Rock University and received a master's certification in Northern Italian Cooking. Pending Congressional approval, she will become Ambassador to Italy, Little Italy and Papa John's.
Her husband has been told to pack his bags and get ready for an eight year stint as ambassador to Easter Island. Although no one on Easter Island has ever heard of the internet, karaoke, Happy Hour or Monica Lewinsky, Bill has been assured that he will have open access to the oval office whenever the mail plane finds its way back the island.

Chelsea refuses to switch ambassadorships, but
Bill continues to press the point.

"Chelsea has always been the brains behind my policy initiatives while I was Secretary of State. I can't think of another individual with more impressive qualifications necessary to carry out this important assignment," twittered Mrs. Clinton. Editor's Note: Certain rock stars, hedge fund managers and all around hotties are allowed to go beyond the 140 character limitation that most of us have to deal with. Unfair!

When GSR asked Chelsea Clinton's people how she felt about the appointment, her people put out the following statement. "Chelsea feels that this is the perfect job for her. It brings together many of her finest attributes: a smattering of the Italian language, her love of anything papal and a strong desire to bring northern Italian cooking back to network television."

Waiting for Ambassador Clinton.

However, experts disagree how easy it will be for Hilary to get her husband's nomination as ambassador to Easter Island through the tough vetting process. Traditionally, the post has gone to ax murderers, Kim Kardashian look-a-likes or stowaways. However, with a native female to giant stone monolith ratio of 3 to 1, members of the House and Garden subcommittee on Lascivious Appointments may be hesitant to approve the nomination.

"It was tough at first," said Mrs. Clinton, "to convince Bill that Easter Island was where he would help me the most. True, you're essentially cut off from the outside world save for an anchovy boat that makes its way to the island about every seven months. And yes, baked albatross is the national dish. But, when I told him La Nina was predicted to make landfall, he rose to the occasion as he always does. He'd also like to meet La Nina's mom."

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BECOME A GIANT IN YOUR FIELD?

It's true. Workers over 47 feet tall make an average of $345,000 more over their lifetime than those between four feet and seven feet tall. If you don't believe us, here's a neat trick. The next time you want a salary raise, walk into your bosses office on 23 foot tall stilts and then present your case. Odds are, you'll get that well deserved raise and then some.

The Stevens Consulting and Impressive Panties Group (SCIPG) is now offering the very same program previously available to only the Fortune 500's most desperate companies. Applying our patented combination of Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy and externally fixated bone stretching techniques, SCIPG promises to take you from the five foot four inch mail room loser that you are now to an intelligent, never to be underestimated, business savant, 48 feet tall in your stocking feet. No more elevators for you. Taking just three or four "giant" steps from the street below, you'll quickly find yourself in the boardroom, 103 floors high.

Looking for that awesome year end bonus? A new secretary? Two new secretaries? A giant 79 inch flat screen TV playing reruns of 21 Jump Street, 24/7? Who's going to object?

Gia got that pay raise
after threatening
to crush the moon.

And don't worry. We've taken the the dumbest of the dumb, the meekest of the meek, the forlornest of the forlorn and turned them into the titans of industry that they are today. And we can do the same for you.

How do we do it you may ask? First, you choose the amount of time needed to complete the transformation. We understand you have a busty (sorry, busy schedule) and stretching each and every bone of your body to 16 times its natural size is a little like zipping your fly: it's something that just shouldn't be rushed.
Most of our clients choose the six month plan. Two months of intense Gestalt/Gesundheit therapy where we first mentally break you down to something similar to emotionally drained egg whites. Then, two months to fill your mind with every quote from every self help book ever written. Finally, two months of the most excruciating pain imaginable as we stretch you into the 47 foot bruiser that you've always wanted to be. True, we have taken a few tricks from the Spanish Inquisition, but who hasn't? Anyway, with the self administered morphine we offer for an additional $800 per day, it will make the treatment seem almost fun. We also recommend spending a few weeks with our seamstress, Natasha. She hasn't yet found a pair of pants she can't lengthen 37 feet.

If you've listened this far, here's an exclusive Goat Soup Radio offer. Order in the next 730 days using the special promo code 'HUNG' and we'll include absolutely free our exclusive same day Doubly Big Private Parts surgical procedure, guaranteed to impress even the most discriminating of dates... your boss included.

NIXON FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR 2016 PRESIDENTIAL RUN

Yorba Linda. California. 3:45 PM. It appears to be axiomatic in American politics that you can never count Richard Nixon out. In a surprise move that has stunned even his closest supporters, former President of the United States, Richard Milhous Nixon, 101 this year, has once again stepped into the limelight to claim his position on the world stage.
Standing precariously in front of the steps of the Nixon library in Yorba Linda, California, a formerly disgraced ex-president gave a rousing, moving speech explaining his reasons for being so much out of the spotlight these many years and why he has now decided to throw his hat back into the political ring.

Richard Milhous Nixon: Ready For Another Run

 "I've been living the quiet life of a retired family man. Playing with my many grandchildren, reading them stories of brave knights and heroic journeys. I've now come to realize, however, that there is still more of Richard Milhous Nixon to offer. It was time to bring Pat back to the White House and time to bring order and integrity back to America."

  Immediately following Nixon's remarks the White House issued the following statement: "President Obama has always applauded Americans looking to exercise their political chops and he wishes the former president, although quite dead, all the best."

It may not, however, be all peaches and cream for Mr. Nixon. Although the ex-president hinted that he would consider bringing back certain senior staff members including H.R. Haldeman and John Ehrlichman, most have since moved on with their lives, found new work or just haven't been heard from in more than 20 years.
GSR's own legal scholar, Diana Singer, who has extensively studied dead ex-presidents who wish to run for office had this to say: "First, if he does win, according to postal service rules, he'd have to go out and find every single Nixon postage stamp that was ever issued, licked or not, and return it to the post office. Second, his obvious opponent, Hilary Clinton, having worked on the Watergate Committee, might prove to be a tough broad to debate. And third, he will definitely have to pull votes across party lines; the blue states, the red states and of course, the dead states."

ALPINE AVALANCHE BOTTLING COMPANY INTRODUCES WATER BOTTLE WITH 65% LESS PLASTIC

Since 1987, the Alpine Avalanche Bottling Company of Vundebar, Switzerland has been a leader in environmentally friendly bottling and packaging for its products.  Some highlights include:

• The first edible bottle cap
• The first bottling company to give directions in the Heimlich maneuver on its label
• Self composting bottle labels
• Aluminum cans that can be retrofitted into mosquito nets
• 100% organic beer that brings back the taste of healthy sheep piss
• A light beer that induces self abortion to control population growth
• Solar powered flip top cans that in aggregates of 100 can power a ski lift for 2 hours
• Triple lined beer kegs that can safely store nuclear waste 
• Gold sponsor of the Vundebar Hotel Miss Chug-A-Lug Nude Outdoor Hot Tub Contest. Editor's Note: Although this has nothing to do with the environment, it is, in the opinion of GSR, one of Europe's better ideas.

Changing to the newer bottle will be the equivalent of 9,500
middle school art teachers walking to work for one year
instead of driving their car.

And now, after three years of trial and error, balls and strikes, two on one, and match point, the Alpine
Avalanche Bottling Company is introducing their newest innovation yet in bottling. Through advanced engineering and Swiss cheese, each bottle of Avalanche pure water now contains 65% less plastic.

 "It really wasn't that hard," said Avalanche spokesperson, Gretta Fondue. "The Swiss have always been known as strong squirters. Once we hired our first squirt mesiter, he knew exactly what to do. Some simple changes in our assembly line and we were able to achieve our goal by squirting the water real hard into the bottle, screwing on the cap real fast and removing any dark matter between the water molecules. Once we had four squirt mesiter's going full time, our voluminous volume values really started to drop.

"At this point", Ms. Fondue continued, "education is the key. Most people are drinking from our smaller bottle, thinking that they've finished it and then disposing of it while there is still seven ounces of good water left in the bottle. Or, people are drinking the full bottle, thinking it's a smaller amount of water and ending up pissing in their pants. Finally, because we are now packaging our bottled water, 48 to a case, hernia's are becoming a problem. Although a case of 48 of the new bottles is about the size of a loaf of bread, people are picking it up not realizing it weighs twice what the old cases weighed."

WARNING: Lifting a 48 pack of Alpine Avalanche bottled water and attempting to place it in the back of your pickup may be hazardous to your health, especially if you're wearing flip flops and drop it on your foot, tend to go shopping during Indian attacks or haven't seen the inside of a gym since 5th grade.

TUBBUD ANNOUNCES PRICING OF INITIAL PUBLIC OFFERING

PRESS RELEASE

SAN DIEGO, Calif. - 30 May, 2014 - TubBud, the provider of a leading cloud-based bathtub reservation system offering travelers a very inexpensive yet convenient place to stay overnight when they are away from their home base, announced today the pricing of its initial public offering of 12,367,669 shares of its common stock to the public at $27.50 per share. The company, founded in 2009, initially matched business travelers to the San Francisco area in need of cheap, overnight accommodations with local homeowners in the Bay area willing to lease their bathtubs for the night. Today, TubBud is found in 48 cities nationwide, most European countries and select Walmart stores throughout the Southeast. Goldilocks and Co. and Credit Botswana are acting as lead book-running managers for the offering. GSR Securities and Casey Stengel are acting as co-managers.

About TubBud

TubBud is an innovative travel reservation company dedicated to delivering the very best bathtub stay for the discriminating penny pincher. Now offering stays for up to seven nights with our guaranteed "no leak faucet policy", TubBud is meeting the demands of its worldwide consumers and business market segments. Headquartered in Shenzhen, China, the "barbecue brisket sandwich of the East", TubBud has branch offices in the USA, both Hamburg, Frankfort and French Fry, Germany and Drunk As A Skunk, Australia.

Roy is sleeping like a baby and saved himself
a lot of money as well.

Who Should Be Using TubBud?

• Are you looking to save 90-95% over standard hotel rates?
• Do you ever wish your five star hotel had the toilet next to your bed?
• Do you find hotel mattresses too soft? 
• Are you in need of the hardest, least forgiving mattress known to man?
• Have you always felt closets and dressers are unnecessary during your travels?
• Do you always like to have the same reading material available at your bedside and toilet?
• Have you always had this premonition that you were conceived in the bath?

Some TubBud's even allow pets.

If you answered no to all of these questions, then all is lost and you might as well go back to your Holiday Inn. But, if you answered yes to any of the above questions, then it is time to download TubBud's free app and begin booking your next bathtub with the tech company that Marc Zuckerberg wishes he had thought of.

Coming soon....... SinkLink. Are you short of stature? Do anklet socks go up to your knees? Are you always the first one to know when the flood has arrived? Well, if you don't need the full size accommodation of a bathtub, why not go online and make a reservation with SinkLink? We're here to match your traveling requirements with the most posh sinks in town. Always a guaranteed fit and our promise to you that we will never book you into a sink with a garbage disposal unit.

Finance VP Cheryl "Cute As A Button " Bonita,
travels domestic at least three times per month and
always books with SinkLink.

EXCITING MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH FOR SENIORS WITH POOR CIRCULATION

Are you beginning to see more hair in your ears than on top of your head? Are pitted prunes becoming a mainstay of your diet? Do tiny black flies follow you around? Well, we can't do anything about those problems. However, Pay The Tab Pharmaceuticals can make your life a little easier, a little more comfortable. As seen on "Good Morning, Botswana", our patented oral medication, Icelandic Hot Toes will do just that: keep your toes feeling warm and cozy. Just ask yourself these six questions:

• Do your feet get cold easily?
• Are you always wondering when global warming will get here?
• Do you wear more than five pairs of socks to bed each night?
• Are you drinking more hot tea these days than the entire British Empire?
• Is walking on hot coals beginning to sound like a good idea?
• When eating in restaurants, are you always asking for a table near the ovens?

Old lady Crabtree says, "I take my Icelandic Hot Toe
every day. So should you, you little fart."

If you answered yes to all six questions, then all is lost. However, if you answered yes to five or less, then Icelandic Hot Toes is just what you've been looking for. Scientists have questioned for years how the good people of Iceland, living in the harsh environment that they do, manage to keep their feet warm. Imagine living on a sheet of ice your entire life. Bathing, sleeping, eating, running errands, having unprotected sex and reading the Icelandic Freezing Press. All on top of one huge ice cube with an average annual temperature of -82 degrees Kelvin. Is it something in the air? The frozen tundra? The cod? 

Pay The Tab Pharmaceuticals, the makers of Whinemore capsules and suppositories has found the answer. But it wasn't easy. Those Icelanders wouldn't give it up. You would think that a free tow of the entire island down to the Caribbean for 10 fun filled days would have done it. However, they are a proud, tall people with big thumbs and they just wouldn't talk - and even if they did, who speaks Icelandish? However, in 2012, our scientists, secretly moving through town and country, found the answer in the northern regional capital city of Little Smorgasbord. And now, we've taken the secret of the Icelanders and made it available to you in capsule or easy- to-choke-on herring bone filled tablet.

Here's what three of our many satisfied customers had to say:

"My feet used to get so cold that I would have to strip naked and stand in front of my opened refrigerator door just to get them warm. What a sight that was. Then again, you should have seen me 40 years ago in my six inch stilettos and all my teeth. Thank you, Pay The Tab. Icelandic Hot Toes changed my life." 

Cherry Bumpandgrind, 72. Arthritis-By-The-Lake, Florida.

"My third husband, who gave me crabs, was always complaining about my cold feet. I had heard of Icelandic Hot Toes at the venereal crab clinic and I decided to give them a try. Within four days my feet were warm, I got divorced from that horrible little man and, although I still have crabs, I can now sleep with whomever I want and not worry about spooning."

Bonnie Wannie, 81. Old Ladies-By-The-Dozen, Arizona.

"Cold feet can strike at any time. I learned that the hard way. One day, I'm being pushed around the mall in my wheelchair by my aid and the next, there she is, rolling around on the floor, rubbing her feet silly. Thought she had frostbite. 9-1-1 was called and they knew just what to do. One injection of Icelandic Hot Toes and she was up and around in just a few short weeks. Although, it did take me two days to get a replacement aid. What a hassle."

Sandra Paytheman, 87. Bingo-Till-You-Drop, South Carolina.

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Warning: The FDA has issued a special alert that taking more than three Icelandic Hot Toes in one 24 hour period may cause the individual to become highly combustible. Retired firemen and other crazy old people that like to run into burning buildings should heed this warning carefully and always run in with a buddy.