TITANIC TOWED TO PORT - WHERE'D EVERYONE GO?

After many days of speculation, the R.M.S. Titanic finally completed its maiden voyage. Docking just 101 years, 8 months, 12 days, 4 hours and 27 minutes late, the R.M.S. Titanic, unfortunately, caused some of the passengers to miss their connecting flights. Having a bit of bad luck on it's maiden voyage, stranded in the North Atlantic, the ship was finally brought into New York harbor. Rumors had it that food (mostly sushi and free range halibut) and water (although rather salty) was abundant, especially during El Nino. Elevators had stopped functioning trapping minor character actors working for scale. And by the end of the cruise everyone was pretty bored with the rock climbing wall and duty free stores. Mrs. Juniper Beaglestock of Leeds won at bingo 4,356 times while assistant chef Mike "grab that goose" Pate made over 9,250 ice carvings of the Virgin Islands, carefully showing the locations of all 12 Starbucks.

Those that drove down to the dock waiting to pick up passengers definitely should have called ahead first. It was here that the expression "long term parking" originated. However, amid high expectations to meet and greet the passengers and crew with a hot meal and a level floor, it was not to be. In what has become a mystery to all, there was no one on board.

Reenactment of Titanic preparing to dock.
See damaged smokestack starboard.
Photo courtesy Sony Pictures.

In for repairs. Note the unexplained
absence of crew and passengers.
Photo courtesy Samsung Pictures.

"We did everything we could to bring the ship up from the sea floor as quickly as possible," said Captain Richard Phillips of the salvage ship, You Blow It, We Tow It. "Once we had the ship properly tied up, seven teams of nurses, doctors and makeup artists went on board while others set up a hot soup line offering chicken noodle soup, Manhattan clam chowder and my favorite, broccoli cheese."

"When no one from the Titanic came up to B deck," continued Captain Phillips, "Where we had stationed our crew, a search began, but to no avail. We figured they might have been out on one of the many exciting off ship excursions the Titanic offers such as our popular four hour iceberg watching cruise (lunch included). However, two hours later, the soup was getting cold and still no one showed. We even offered a free root canal procedure performed by Beverly, the newest member to our Babes On Broadway Review.

Believing that perhaps all on board were rather shy and a little embarrassed for not telegraphing in over 100 years, the Titanic was brought into the harbor. 3,000 Rent-A-Maids were sent on board to clean up the mess brought about by 100 years at sea, 2 miles below the surface and twenty two straight days of James Cameron's incessant wind machines and overhead water sprinklers going 24/7.

"It was devastating," said Milt Hilt, steamship company spokesperson, "we couldn't salvage a single dish. What were they thinking? And what about all those broken doors and door locks we found below deck? Needless to say, Mr. DiCaprio won't be asked back for Titanic II, Hawaiian Vacation."