BABY BOOMER MAKES DEATH BED CONFESSION: "I WAS NEVER AT WOODSTOCK"

 As sure as an ice cold beer is America's favorite drink, it has been held up as the holy gospel that the entire "Baby Boomer" generation, all 76,456,399 of them, attended the Woodstock Music and Art Fair in the summer of 1969 in Bethel, New York. Or so they have always said. This event has been recognized as the most famous and, without a doubt, the largest music festival ever. 

 76,456,399 Strong

Every member of the baby boomer generation, defined as those having been born between 1946 and 1964 (and according to U.S. census figures totaled 76,456,399) has mentioned at least once every 5 years, ad nauseam, that they attended the festival. This figure, however, does not include those that attended the festival as a fetus, those that were conceived at the festival and the 987,456 individuals that have said that they were born on the festival grounds during the three day event. Final decision regarding the 14,298 people that say they hitched a ride to the Festival in Jerry Garcia's limousine is still pending.

To hear that just one baby boomer has recanted  his whereabouts for that summer has clearly brought much pain, doubt and pangs of introspection to these 76,456,399 individuals. GSR spoke to Phil Pill, Professor of Sociology and Lousy Fake Names at the College of New Kitty Litter. "The baby boomer generation, forged during the Vietnam War, Tricky Dick's presidency and Laugh In, have suddenly been shown  to be just another generation thinking that they're better than any other. This generation won't be walking the walk anytime soon. In fact, in a few short years they will all end up needing hip replacements."


Sources tell GSR that Leonard Arrow, 63, of Arlington, Virginia reportedly made a "death bed" confession that he did not attend the Festival. Reports say that with his very last breath, surrounded by friends and family, the 63 year old long time environmental activist told the group that he was never there. First taken as the confused mutterings of a sick man, it soon became apparent that Mr. Arrow appeared to be well aware of what he was saying and that, perhaps, he was telling the truth. However, this incredible statement, flying in the face of conventional wisdom, common sense and a Happy Hour with all the hot wings you can eat, demanded explanation.

"Just a moment. Maybe I
only saw the movie."

Only known picture of Mr. Arrow, taken
8/16/1969, 600 miles from Woodstock.

Word spread like tupelo honey on a toasted English muffin. Soon, the Truth in Who Was at Woodstock Committee took notice. Necks craned, ears wagged and heads rolled when Michael Fay, Chairman of the Committee read the following statement:

"One of our brothers has come forward stating that he was not at the Festival. For years, the baby boomer generation has stood united,  and the glue that has kept us together has been our presence at Woodstock. As for Mr. Arrow, a man who decided to go in a different direction that August weekend in 1969, we can only say, peace and safe journey. We are still 76,456,398 strong, most of us still having our ticket stubs somewhere. And, as we would all swear on a stack of bibles, it was there where we first got high, lost our virginity, stayed for the last day and helped clean up afterwards. God bless all of you."

in memoriam

lenny arrow