"This was a no brainer." said BB&B Vice-President, Bob Sevens. "We wanted to reopen, we knew we had a good product but we just needed to add something that could not be so easily offered on line. In store yodeling lessons were considered but we just wanted something with a little more pizazz. Plastic surgery was always our first choice. We already had the parking as well as the waiting room furniture. Not to mention all those magazines."
Editor's Note: GSR has learned through anonymous sources that each store will devote 40% floor space to books, 20% to coffee bars, 35% to plastic surgery and 5% to medical waste.
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| BEFORE AND AFTER "I also purchased Nigerian Finger Foods, Volume 4" |
"Studies show," said store spokesman Bob Eights, "that 80% of adults who frequent book stores also yearned for tighter tummies and bigger breasts. If we can capture 30% of those looking for the paperback edition of 50 Shades of Goat, we'll be back in the game."
When asked about the high cost of plastic surgery, Mr. Nines addressed the issue. "We understand and sympathize with those who just can't shell out thousands of dollars for these procedures. However, with our multi-level payment option, we will make plastic surgery available to all. Let's say, for example, a normal liposuction procedure is $7000 retail. Our customer will have the option to choose a board certified plastic surgeon with 20 years experience and obviously pay the full retail price of $7000. If this is a bit too steep, they may want to opt for a newly minted resident in pulmonology to do the procedure. In that case, they will pay 20% off the full retail price. Should this still be a little high, we would offer them the expert hands of a board certified podiatrist to do the procedure at 50% off retail price. Finally, for those in need, a special price of 80% off full retail price would be available should they elect to have the next customer in line perform the procedure."
"We're also implementing a new Borders Cosmetic Surgery Club. Once a customer has his or her surgery at BB&B, they will receive a membership club card. Each time they come into a Borders for a procedure their card will be stamped and for every 9 procedures they will be entitled to one free! We will also allow 250 purchased books to count as one procedure."
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| Just one of our thousands of satisfied customers - care to guess what she had done? |
"At the end of two years, should they elect to keep their slim waist, for example, they can pay an additional fee and the surgical procedure is theirs for life. If not, at the end of the lease they can simply return to the store where they had the procedure done and be surgically returned to their former self. Of course, there are extra fees for wear and tear beyond normal use. Particularly with breast implants, any amount of silicone leakage beyond 50% will result in a penalty fee. And keep in mind that over the life of the procedure, a breast will always depreciate more in value than a nose.Taxes and title extra. Sorry, no loaners available at this time."
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