SKINLESS, BONELESS SARDINES REACH ACCORD WITH GOD

Aboard the Swedish research vessel, Gothenburg, Baltic Sea.



A school of skinless, boneless sardines
 swimming in the Gulf of Ikea

Skinless, boneless sardines have been the sorry lot of the sea. Squishy, defenseless and cold because of their lack of skin, these tiny little creatures just can't get it done.

How did this happen? The ancient Greeks tell us that the sardine lost its skin and skeleton when a school of fully dressed and bony sardines laid siege to the city of Delphi and turned Apollo's sister, Freida, into a plate of  fried zucchini. For this, Zeus removed their skin and bones and to this day these boneless, skinless sardines have been roaming the seas lonely and scared.

Voraciously torn apart, swallowed whole, or canned almost to the brink of extinction, the skinless, boneless sardine has really gotten the shit kicked out of it. Ask any flounder and they wouldn't give a skinless, boneless sardine the time of day. It's been a very, very sad plight for these depressed, down trodden, demoralized denizens of the deep.

One study by the Greater Phoenix Psychological and Miniature Train Association (GPPMTA) found that skinless, boneless sardines are the most depressed fish in the ocean. GSR spoke to Dr. Wally Wonder who had this to say, " As a psychologist and before that as a train conductor, I've never met such a bunch of losers in my life. The first time one of them came into my office, cold, cowardly, naked and about 3 inches long, I almost plotzed. And not a single fish scale on him."

Sometimes swimming in a school of thousands, these poor, hapless souls could still feel all alone. For all these sardines could do was swim, search for small morsels of food and think, "was there any hope"?

Dear Reader, at this time Goat Soup Radio (with hope being our middle name) can only speculate as to what happened next. But, somehow the lowly skinless, boneless sardine must have looked up into the heavens and made their case. For it is Goat Soup Radio's proudest moment to announce to the world that the skinless, boneless sardine's heavenly petition was heard. Their prayers were answered! Sardinologists around the world are just now telling us that these once puny, forgotten creatures are now finding themselves with a real bony skeleton and shiny, blue/green scales. Thus, after all these millennia they have found themselves with form, structure and, it must be said, a bit of swagger in their backstroke.You go, skinless, boneless sardines, you go.

 Praise the Lord.

Suggestions? Shoutouts? Specials? We're listening!!!! (well, our intern is...)

Goat Soup Radio is formally announcing its newest addition to the family, Colleen... a third Ryman is added to the GSR team. No, she isn't a Kardashian...she is our very own intern. So, lets put her to work. Any suggestions that our viewer(s) have are important and hopefully she'll write them down.



 

Photo courtesy: fakeinternpics.com

FBI COLLECTING FINGERPRINTS OF BOWLERS SINCE 1953

President Eisenhower signing Executive
 Order 2305.5, "the bowling ball ID act".

Washington, D.C. 5:00 PM

The Justice Department’s Security and Identification Division released a brief statement today saying that the FBI has been secretly collecting the thumbprint of  everyone who has gone bowling in America since August 5, 1953. According to the statement, the practice ended in 1994 when it became clear that bowling was becoming as popular as broken glass eating contests. The statement went on to say that although the basic reasons for continuing the program had become irrelevant over the decades, the identification program remained an ongoing secret project due to the large number of bowlers that were found to be stepping over the foul line.

Through bribery, shameful acts of pleading and being a fictional character, Goat Soup Radio’s Washington correspondent, Ester Lester, quickly uncovered the dark history of this despicable intrusion into the lives of America’s bowlers. This is that (or, that is this) story.

In the early 1950's, the Eisenhower administration knew where its next fight would be coming from: Russia. Both sides were increasing their stockpile of nuclear weapons and it quickly became the cold war.  Various US agencies began planning for such an event. The Department of Labor began lining all bottom piece pajama's with thin layers of lead while the Treasury Department began printing dollar bills with a picture of George Washington in a hazmat suit.  

The FBI, on the other foot, quickly realized it had no way of identifying Americans on an individual basis should a nuclear war break out. Possibilities were considered such as making everyone in the country stand in a single line and “count off” (which would take too long)  and DNA identification. Unfortunately, only 4 people in the United States had ever heard of DNA in 1953 so that was dropped.

Clearly, bowling was the agency’s best choice. One estimate in 1952 had that 94% of all Americans over the age of 5 bowled at least once per week and that 68% of all Americans over the age of 2 bowled in a league.

Once Presidential Executive Order 2305.5 was signed, the FBI surreptitiously began placing the necessary finger printing equipment into every lane of every bowling alley in the United States. Each time a bowler rolled his ball down the alley his thumbprint inside the hole where his thumb was placed would be photographed and sent to Washington along with his name, what brand beer he drank and whether he, or she, knew how to keep score. 

The program was almost uncovered, however, in 1967. Special Agent Frank Talk was in Colby, Georgia’s 16 lane bowling center after hours filling up the dusting powder when he realized that two teenagers, Cal McCoy and Tulip Carter, were also in the back of the bowling center. Agent Talk had to wait almost 1 hour before they left to finish his mission. Official reports say that the two teenagers were loitering.

Six months later, Agent Talk received the agency’s highest service honor for obtaining not only Mr. McCoy and Miss Carter’s thumbprints but also prints from all “20 fingers, 20 toes and highly accurate descriptions of all birth marks.” Nine months later little Cal Junior was born, later to become Georgia’s 1971 Junior Bowler of the Year.

 

FDA BANS MOO GOO GAI PAN FROM CHINESE TAKEOUT MENUS

In a hastily convened conference this afternoon, so as not to overlap The Judge Judy Show, the FDA has announced the immediate ban on all takeout orders of moo goo gai pan from all Chinese restaurants in the United States, the Virgin Islands and the Deflowered Isthmus's. The report states, "we have nothing against the moo, the goo or the pan. However, the gai is now ingredient non grata."

Giuseppe Amore, acting head of the FDA had this to say. "We can thank private citizens like Vito Aldente, former president of the American Pizza Association for coming forth with the previously unknown information that the gai in moo goo gai pan is not really a gai, but a girl. Now, the FDA doesn't want to be an ogre about this. Should restaurants wish to offer both moo goo gai pan and moo goo girl pan we would certainly allow this. We'd even consider moo goo gender neutral pan. However, Title VII of the Chinese Takeout Menu Sexual Anti-Discrimination Act of 1983 is very clear and it is our duty to follow the law wherever it takes us."

Of course", Amore continued, "we don't have to worry about eating in. This will only be for takeout orders. Whenever my family and I eat at our favorite Chinese restaurant, we never order the moo goo gai pan.  Instead, we go with the fried rice, Happy Family and the chicken and broccoli. We used to order the shrimp in lobster sauce but you just don't get as many shrimp as you used to get."

The next day, the American Chinese Restaurant Association (ACRA) met in emergency session to find a solution. Hours later, it came out with just such a brilliant plan, urging its members to substitute key lime pie for the gai. Now to be called, moo goo key lime pie pan.

Moo Goo Key Lime Pie Pan
Courtesy: Chan's Great Wall
Free Delivery Up To 1 Mile
No Msg, No Gai

Goat Soup Radio spoke with Kim Chou, president of ACRA. "We have told all of our members to make the change in ingredients. Key lime pie has always been a favorite food of many Americans. Plus, it's colorful, fits nicely in a wok and is chopstick friendly.  As an added incentive, we will fly any member down to Key West, Florida to learn the recipe for the key lime pie, first hand (additional fun filled excursions will be available at a nominal cost). We will also be recommending that our members stop serving hot green tea with the moo goo key lime pie pan and instead, serve a refreshing pitcher of margaritas."

SPAIN'S VOTERS APPROVE NAME CHANGE

Barcelona. 4:00 PM

In an effort to promote Spain’s highly established position in international law, finance, commerce and small food portions, Spain’s parliament has voted overwhelmingly to rename their country, Spain, Spain and Spain. Seeking to establish brand recognition on the international stage is every country's goal  and the new name is expected to put Spain, Spain and Spain on the map.

Not since the end of World War I has a major European country changed its name. In 1918, Famished became Hungary and Deluxembourg was changed to Luxembourg once it stopped offering lettuce, tomato and a slice of pickle on the side. In 1932, Cthiopia changed its name to Ethiopia after it was discovered that Dthiopia was already taken.

Spain, Spain and Spain’s Prime Minister had this to say. “We are very excited to present our new name to the world. But, to those skeptics I say, if Columbus had three ships, why can’t we have three names? The 3 Stooges, 3-4-5 right triangle, 3 ring notebooks: legal precedent has been set."

Skeptics were doubtful, doubters were skeptical. GSR's Manuel Ryman spoke to one such individual, Zorro, a professor in the Department of Long, Thin, Pointy Swords at the University of Sangria. "Yes, Columbus may have had three ships but only the Nina offered free style dining," he said. 

In other news, the Ministry of Milking Bad Ideas (Ministerio de 2% Milko Bad Ideas) will be holding open hearings the beginning of next year to change the name Madrid to Finkelstein, Schechtman and Klein.