IT'S GOAT SOUP RADIO'S 5th ANNUAL MEMORIAL DAY KICK-ASS FIGHT AGAINST GLOBAL WARMING IN 12 EASY STEPS

3:30 pm
Fort Allenby, Antarctica

Each year, Goat Soup Radio presents the best ideas to defeat global warming and keep your beer as cold as the moment you popped the top.

PLAN	FUNCTION	CARBON SAVED/YEAR (TONS)
Reduce length of Long Island Expressway by 8 miles	Saves everybody 16 miles per day driving.	450
Rename Unites States of America to United States of Lush Green Meadows	Greenland was already taken. Republic of Veggie Burger is under consideration.	2
Get rid of all red stop lights, keep the green and yellow	Less idling but lots of fidgeting. Wear a seat belt and pray.	180
Replace all air in car and truck tires with CO2 from coal burning plants	Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize, Nobel Prize!	980
Newlywed Rule. Choose baby or air conditioner or car. Have all you want of one category; only one each of other two categories for life.	Example: want 4 air conditioners? Therefore only get 1 car and 1 baby. Infinite number of possible combinations available.	300
Do all printing in tiny, tiny font size	Save the tree. Just sit closer to the screen.	400
Replace plastic shopping bags with big hands	Need big hand stem cell research, now!	1200
Vasectomy for all men with shoe size greater than 9 1/2	Reduces carbon footprint of 28% of population .	45
Ban light beer	Light beer is "light" because of added zooplankton, a key nutrient for red tides.	1020
Toilet paper rolls only dispense 5 sheets per sitting	We'd save billions of trees. Also allows more bathroom stall time per user.	240
Clone the pole	see May 13, 2013 blog	500
Hold in farts as long as possible, particularly bovine farts.	The longer you hold them in the more they break down into harmless water, oxygen and elemental carbon.	850

WARNING. Selected, edited and posted by professionals. Do not attempt.

PHOENIX OPTICIAN DEVELOPS WORLD’S HIGHEST MAGNIFICATION BINOCULARS – CLEAR VIEWING EXTENDS COMPLETELY AROUND UNIVERSE



Untouched Photo of Man
Using the ChadScope and
Seeing Himself From the Back

Phoenix, Arizona 4:00 AM

Chaz Carmichael, local optician with 2 convenient locations, has told Goat Soup Radio that he has created a new, improved type of binoculars. So called "ChazScopes", these super charged binoculars will allow a person on a clear day (without celestial obstructions) to see clear across the universe and back around again. Toiling for years in anonymity in his basement, living on garbanzo beans and drinking clear, colorless liquids, Dr. Carmichael (not an M.D., but so what?) gave wings to his invention.

In an exclusive conversation with GSR just before closing time at Sally’s Roadhouse Cantina on East Jackson Street, Dr. Carmichael spoke with this reporter.  Initially hesitant, it wasn't until “last call” when this reporter’s date mentioned that she might have some difficulty finding her car. Lifting his head up from the bar and holding two shot glasses up to his eyes, Dr. Carmichael introduced himself and proceeded to tell the story of his marvelous invention, the ChazScope.

Diagram Of ChazScope
Optics From Sally's Roadhouse
 

With the binoculars in his car, this reporter, his date and Dr. Carmichael made haste and left the bar for Sally’s parking lot. Unfortunately, the night was dark and cloudy, allowing one only to view the Armed Forces Recruiting sign across the street. With all three promising to return next Friday when the Farmer’s Almanac calls for clear skies, this reporter will surely enjoy the view.

Editor's Note: Dr. Carmichael arrived at Sally's but sans the ChadScope. However, he says he is working to turn old eyeglass cases into  miniature home defibrillators. Lee Ryman also made it to Sally's. However, his date left word she would be visiting a sick friend and that he should seriously consider therapy.

Editor's Editor's Note: Due to a recent court order, GSR is not at liberty to speak about Dr. Carmichael's you-know-what anymore. All we can say is that his you-know-what was confiscated by government agents without even an IOU.

SCIENTISTS CLONE TELEPHONE POLE TREE, TELEPHONICUS ERECTUS

Cloning T. erectus 

Big Sky, Idaho. 4:00 PM CST

Standing straight as an arrow, 80 feet tall at maturity, the telephone tree as it is called today is one of nature's great wonders. It once covered great swaths of the upper United States. Originally used in this country in home construction, it began in the late 1800's to be used as the pole on which this growing nation would string her telephone wires from home to home and from coast to coast.

The story goes, true or not, that as he lay dying, Alexander Grahm Bell had just one thought. It wasn't of his dear wife, Mabel, and it wasn't of Mr. Watson. He could only think of the millions of trees that had been ripped from the ground just to stitch all those telephone wires across the land.
 "If only I had come up with wireless," he thought.

Today, the U. S. Department of Agriculture and the Ryman Center for Genomic Studies have released a joint statement announcing the successful cloning of a telephone pole tree,  Telephonicus erectus. These trees, long known to be on the verge of extinction, can now respire a sigh of relief. It is estimated that over 8 million telephone pole trees are cut down every year.

Chief scientist, Michael Monocot, described his elation. "We never got discouraged. Our first breakthrough came in 1995 when we were able to take a wild grown telephone pole tree, Telephonicus erectus, and grow it in the lab from sprig to fully grown tree in 65 days. Our only real problem after that was to genetically select out all of the branches, leaves and bark. First, we turned off the gene in T. erectus for photosynthesis. Then, it was a matter of implanting into the tree's genomic structure the R-18 fungi gene, directing the tree to live off dead matter consumed through its base, or stem, just as mushrooms do.

Immediately after the announcement, however, Mike Mold, a representative of the California Mushroom Growers Association had this to say, “This may be the end of the road for our industry. Our consultants, relying heavily on  SOH-CAH-TOA,  have told us that each new 60 foot tall T. erectus is equivalent to 3,500 4 oz. cans of sliced mushrooms with stems. We just don’t know if we will be able to hold out against such stiff competition.”

In other news, the National Podiatric Association put out a statement voicing their concern over the spread of athlete's foot once full cloning of T. erectus gets under way.

FIVE FRENCH PHYSICIANS FINGER FLATULENCE FOR FABULOUSLY FLORID PHRASES

Paris. 10:50 PM

What makes a great writer? Plot? Theme? Denouement? No, it's simply writing a great descriptive sentence. Five French physicians have just released the results of a 5 year study that looked for that one particular trait unique to great writers that others do not possess (sadly, six Senegalese shamans sat silently shunning such sophomoric shenanigans). Education, posture and glove size were just three of the myriad traits that were compared between great writers and hacks. Unfortunately, they all were found to be common to both groups. But then, almost three years into their work, one of their comely graduate students, Robin Japapa, came upon a history of the great Paris hotel and bistro, La French Fry. Written by 3 generations of maitre d's it told the story of the many patrons, including many famous writers, that frequented their che' che' restaurant.

One of the first notations was on the famous French writer the Marquis de Sade. At the time Mr. Sade was known to always empty out the restaurant immediately after he had his favorite dish of escargot and limoge beans. It reads in part, "zee gas, zee odor, et was malodorant." This was the clue that the five French physicians were waiting for.

Dinner with Mark Twain
 

Reading further, another patron was the famous French writer, Victor Hugo. Monsier Hugo ate at La French Fry almost daily until he was asked to leave due to his disagreeable "la noises a la Tushie". After being kicked out of every restaurant in Paris, the French Restaurant Association had him guillotined for "zee les miserables ghastly poofs."

The book ends in 1958 when, perhaps the greatest of French writers, Jean-Paul "Boomer"Sartre, dined at La French Fry on its very last day of existence. While finishing his buttered haddock, the "Boomer" lit a cigarette while letting go with one of his famously fragrant french fuzzy farts, immediately sending the restaurant up in flames.

This was all the proof the five French physicians needed. Taking their study to the French Ministry of Education and Fake French Accents (FMEFFA), the department took action. It is reported that beginning with the 2017 school year, all students must consume at least 5 cups of la bean du jour and must wear underwear with little frills attached so as to create the most melodious of sounds.

Editor's note: For the French language version of this piece go to: www.ionlytooktwoyearsofspanishinhighschool