ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER EARLIEST KNOWN MONTHLY CREDIT CARD STATEMENT

Don't leave hut without it.

Ankara, Turkey. 9:00 GMT

 Turkish archaeologists, digging 1 mile south of the ancient city of Troy have recovered the oldest known credit card statement ever found.  Artun Federolog, chief archaeologist, described the finding. “It was new to us but I knew I had seen something like it before; my monthly credit card statement! But we still couldn't positively confirm this until we were able to make out the 10 single digit numbers at the top of the parchment. One day, one of my graduate students was studying the numbers and innocently typed them on to his IPhone. Well, before you knew it, MasterCard was on the other end of the line. Apparently, back then you didn't have to first dial 9 to get an outside line.”

Federolog continued. "The bill shows three items purchased that month. The first was for 300 pairs of leather sandals size 10.5. This was from the Lesbos Leather and Suede Company, now defunct some 2600 years. The second item was for 1200 blue and white striped tunics, size large from Old, Old, Old, Old, Navy. The last item was for 1 extra-large hollow wooden horse, capacity 2300 soldiers in tunics or 1900 soldiers in tunics with full body armor. This item was purchased from the Peloponnese Parchment and Plunder Company, Attica, Greece.”

GSR’s Middle East correspondent, Moishe Ryman has learned that MasterCard is now seeking full payment from the Greek government. It appears that there is a clause in everyone’s contract that gives the statute of limitations for which MasterCard can collect a debt as 4 millennium, clearly within the time of the fall of Troy. However, the Greek government contends that with the Treaty of Ephesus in 1020 AD it was agreed that all chariots must come to a full stop when approaching a spice route and that all debts older than 400 years or one Crusade, whichever comes first,  are null and void.

Dr. Federolog then concluded the interview with these remarks. “ We've learned so much. Clearly, we can now understand the reason why Achilles, with an MBA from the Spartan School of Economics, was always so angry at King Agamemnon. This was because the King would charge everything for the war with little concern for the skyrocketing interest rates found during the Bronze Age. Also, regarding Ulysses, we now know that he was able to do all that island hopping after the Trojan War because of all the frequent sailing miles he had accrued."