ARCHAEOLOGISTS UNCOVER EARLIEST KNOWN MONTHLY CREDIT CARD STATEMENT

Don't leave hut without it.

Ankara, Turkey. 9:00 GMT

 Turkish archaeologists, digging 1 mile south of the ancient city of Troy have recovered the oldest known credit card statement ever found.  Artun Federolog, chief archaeologist, described the finding. “It was new to us but I knew I had seen something like it before; my monthly credit card statement! But we still couldn't positively confirm this until we were able to make out the 10 single digit numbers at the top of the parchment. One day, one of my graduate students was studying the numbers and innocently typed them on to his IPhone. Well, before you knew it, MasterCard was on the other end of the line. Apparently, back then you didn't have to first dial 9 to get an outside line.”

Federolog continued. "The bill shows three items purchased that month. The first was for 300 pairs of leather sandals size 10.5. This was from the Lesbos Leather and Suede Company, now defunct some 2600 years. The second item was for 1200 blue and white striped tunics, size large from Old, Old, Old, Old, Navy. The last item was for 1 extra-large hollow wooden horse, capacity 2300 soldiers in tunics or 1900 soldiers in tunics with full body armor. This item was purchased from the Peloponnese Parchment and Plunder Company, Attica, Greece.”

GSR’s Middle East correspondent, Moishe Ryman has learned that MasterCard is now seeking full payment from the Greek government. It appears that there is a clause in everyone’s contract that gives the statute of limitations for which MasterCard can collect a debt as 4 millennium, clearly within the time of the fall of Troy. However, the Greek government contends that with the Treaty of Ephesus in 1020 AD it was agreed that all chariots must come to a full stop when approaching a spice route and that all debts older than 400 years or one Crusade, whichever comes first,  are null and void.

Dr. Federolog then concluded the interview with these remarks. “ We've learned so much. Clearly, we can now understand the reason why Achilles, with an MBA from the Spartan School of Economics, was always so angry at King Agamemnon. This was because the King would charge everything for the war with little concern for the skyrocketing interest rates found during the Bronze Age. Also, regarding Ulysses, we now know that he was able to do all that island hopping after the Trojan War because of all the frequent sailing miles he had accrued."

CIA WHISTLEBLOWER: CUBA JUST 8 MILES OFF US COAST

Laying The Cable

Washington, DC  2:00 PM
In what is being called the most closely guarded secret in US history, the CIA has been slowly moving Cuba closer to the United States. In papers secretly copied deep within CIA headquarters, CIA operative Tom Quigley has broken the organization's most closely guarded plot. " I wanted to take it  to Staples but all those dimes just kill you," said Mr. Quigley.

Mailed out to both the Washington Post and Tattoo and Lace Magazine, the papers reveal that one of Richard Nixon's last decisions in office was to approve the CIA's plan to bring Cuba to American shores and then once and for all eliminate Fidel Castro. On June 16, 1972, one day before the arrest of the Watergate burglars, elite Navy Seal units were positioned approximately 1 mile off the northern coast of Cuba. Under cover of moonlight, and swimming under water in teams of three, each unit carried a 10 inch diameter titanium cable which they attached to certain strategic points along the northern coast of Cuba.
                                                      _______________________________

                                                     Cuba never saw it coming.
                                    _____________________

Yesterday, the White House was forced to put out the following announcement: "Since the early 1970's, when it became apparent that the US government's attempts to neutralize Castro had failed, other means were considered. Exploding cigars, poisoned Twinkies, giant hair balls had all failed. One act seemed our best choice.  And so, in President Nixon's last State of the Nation speech before Congress he told the nation that 'it is time to slowly reel in that Cuban dictator and see justice done.' Always being open and honest, President Nixon did exactly that."

The secreted papers, now known as the "Tattoo Papers" stated that, "Once the cables were attached, the cable wench, secretly located under Harry's Fish and Tackle Marina in Key West, would pull in the 47 cables a distance of 2 inches at noon every day.

To continue the ruse, nuclear powered Class Elvis submarines were positioned every ten miles off the Cuban coast. Attached to the top of these submarines was a large piece of oak tag measuring 78 miles long by 5 miles high. Painted on the side facing Cuba was a portrait of Key West as seen 90 miles from Cuba. On the other side, facing the United States so as not to arouse suspicion, was a painting of the Golden Arches.  As the cable would bring the island closer to the US, the submarines would move in tandem the same distance (2 inches per day) further way from the island.

Of course, Cablegate as it is now known,  required the cooperation of the cruise line companies. And so, whenever a passenger would ask if that was a large tropical island inching closer to Ernest Hemingway's house, the entire crew would say that it was merely a school of sea turtles.

The papers reveal that during hurricane Steve in 1998,  five of the titanium cables snapped, causing the island to turn a complete 180 degrees. All 44 submarines had to quickly move to the southern side of the island so as not to give away Cuba's real position. Due to the heavy rains and wind they were never found out. Unfortunately  this now put the submarines just 1000 feet off the coast of Jamaica with it's 5 mile high picture of the Golden Arches. Within 5 hours all 27 McDonald's on the island were out of Big Mac's. A special plea from the Jamaican prime minister had 2 C-47 transport planes air drop 800 gallons of special sauce to the island. Later that month all 18 crew members received a free MacDonald's coupon good toward the purchase of a large fries.

CIA spokeswoman Joan "Tight Lip" Clandestini had this to say,"now that the cat is out of the bag, the CIA would like to admit, once and for all, of it's total involvement in this hair brained scheme and would just like to move on."

Goat Soup Radio's man in Havana, Esteban Ryman, spoke to some people after the story got out. Juan Lopez, 46, a white wall tire painter had this to say. "Ay caramba. All these years when my walls shook at noon I thought it was my neighbors, Pilar and Jorge taking a quick run with the bulls, if you know what I mean. I always wondered how they could be so punctual and so hot all those years."

Awoken from his sleep and told that Cuba is now 8 nautical miles from the coast of Key West, Fidel Castro is reported to have asked how far the drive was from Key West to Disney World and if he could borrow an Easy Pass.

FORD AND STARBUCKS ROLL OUT INDUSTRY'S FIRST SDV

GSRadio Archives

Las Vegas, Ne. 7:00 PM
Let's just say, "WOW!" Hitting the red carpet at the 69th Motorman's Car Convention this week is something that Ford and Starbucks have been secretly working on for almost 5 years. 400 hp., 4 wheel drive and every other interior amenity you can think of, these two giants in their field added one more. Sure to change driving as we know it, the Starchaser, as it is presently called, is the industry's first single destination vehicle, or SDV.

The concept is very simple. You seat yourself in the car, strap on your seat belt and press the ignition button. Almost instantaneously, the Starchaser's internal GPS plots the best route to the nearest Starbucks and easily guides you there. But what happen next is just brilliant. From the time the engine starts you have full control of the gas and brake. However, you will only be allowed to make a turn (change driving direction), precisely as the GPS calls it. Try to steer the car to the left when the GPS says right and you'll find yourself arm wrestling with the Terminator. No need for that, because,  in no time at all you will be parking at your closest Starbucks ordering your favorite beverage.

Then, getting back into your SDV the GPS will now allow you to drive away anywhere you want to go. Later, turn on the ignition again and it will plot the nearest Starbucks and effortlessly take you there. The computer, therefore, is simply "flipping" back and forth between one drive to a Starbucks and one to some other destination.

Yvonne Bumper, editor of Car and Screech Magazine was impressed. "This is going to be big. I'll probably order three. One to get to work, one for my podiatry appointments and one to get me home when I've had a little too much of my cough medicine."

Another car enthusiast present who would not allow us to give his name (initials LR) said this: "I had this idea years ago. Made millions. Then lost it all investing in those solar powered toothbrushes. My tongue still glows from that mistake."

COLBY, GEORGIA BANS BICYCLES : TRICYCLES OK

Elm Street    4 PM

Colby, Georgia. 2:00 pm.
Three weeks ago it was another typical evening at the emergency room at Good Samaritan Hospital in Colby, Georgia. One patient had a stomach ache and two patients with the flu. But along side these people seeking help were 6 others, all with something in common. These patients all  had nasty scrapes and bruises, one with a broken wrist. All six were the victims of bicycle accidents. A seventh victim never made it to Good Sam's.

Three weeks ago, Bo Johnson, 26, and a father of two was riding his bicycle along Elm Street when he was suddenly struck from the side by Henry Dobbs who was riding his bicycle into the intersection  A witness, Charley Jones, later recalled,  "there were bicycles parts everywhere. People were screaming, it was horrible." Police report that the force of the impact was so great that Bo Johnson's saddle bag, innocently attached below his seat, tore off its straps and hurtled at speeds estimated at 230 miles per hour directly at Bo's tushie. Miss Crabtree, the town spinster and librarian described it as a "rambunctious rocket roiling recklessly rearward."
Passing by the scene of the accident was Bo's second wife, Shirley. "If only he had stayed with me in Crooked Neck and not married that b*** Hazel Schmazel, all this wouldn't have happened."

One of the first on the scene was Mary Stebbins of Mary's Cupcakes and Butcher Shop. She immediately began a reverse Heimlich maneuver on poor Bo but to no avail. GSRadio spoke to Mary afterwards, she told us, "I was very disappointed. Just last month I was certified by the Americans For Healthy Tushies to help people like Bo. I just panicked. I didn't remember if it was 2 thrusts to the coccyx and ten thrusts to the pubis or the other way around."
Police were forced to ask for a medi-vac helicopter, something many in this town had never seen before.  "It was this big, noisy thing that went up and down like mercury in a thermometer", said Tommy Gundrich, 42. "And it had these things on top that moved around so fast I just had to sit down and I couldn't work in the mill for two whole days."

Bo was taken to the county hospital in Violet, Georgia and the doctors there were forced to call in the Physicians Emergency Extraction Group (PEEG). Carefully wielding their "jaws of life" they managed to remove the errant saddlebag from Bo's tushie. Later that week, doctors gave this report:" Bo Stevens is recovering nicely. He will need to remain on his stomach while his tushie fully heals. He's been given all the ice cream he can eat. Unfortunately, we had to call in a speech therapist because he is beginning to talk like Forest Gump."

Back in Colby, the town board began their deliberations. By a unanimous vote of 6 to 4, bicycles were forever banned from Colby. Russ Tic Potatoes, town board member had this to say, "Politics is a dirty business  There was a lot of pressure from the American Bicyclists Association and the American Tardigrade Rodeo Association to stop the ban in its tracks. So, with all that campaign money being thrown about a compromise was devised. Bicycles will be banned but tricycles allowed even while texting. However, anyone pulled over while tricycling and texting and drunk as a skunk will be fined $20.00 or 2 pounds of shucked peanuts."

GSRADIO'S FIRST INTERNATIONAL PHOTOGRAPHY CONTEST

Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil

Branding is so important in today's fast paced world. One day you're a nobody with the social media crowd and the next day things haven't changed. It was therefore announced today that GSRadio will be holding their first photography contest.The rules are simple.

1. You must be a citizen of the United States, Paraguay or any other country that sells beer.
2. The photograph must be of one individual or more holding either an empty beer glass, empty beer bottle or empty beer can upside down on top of their head(s). See example.
3. All photographs become the property of GSRadio unless you threaten to sue, in which case you can have the stupid picture back.
4. The contest is not open to GSRadio employees (me and Steve) or the fat husband of Steve's ex-girlfriend, Robin.
5. Contest ends July 1, 2013. Should we not receive a single picture - which is a possibility considering we have no followers - we will cancel the contest and try to think of something just as sick.
6. Send pictures to lee10462@gmail.com.
7. If we can figure it out, all photos will be posted unless seized by Interpol.
8. Two categories: Individual and Group

GOAT SOUP RADIO MAKES OFFER FOR THE ONION

Lee (l)  Steve (r)

Phoenix, Arizona. 1:00pm.
Goat Soup Radio has made  an unsolicited US $22.4 billion bid for The Onion. In a surprise move that has shaken Wall Street to it's core, up-ended the Japanese Nikkei and caused miniature chihuahuas throughout the world to fart uncontrollably, this is a move that has surprised all but the nayest of nay-sayers.

The Onion, the largest source of news and pollen counts, never saw this coming. Goat Soup Radio has been on the air for only 4 days without any comments, links or followings and it still wants a place at the table with the big boys.  How can they be so bold?

Steve Ryman, capitalism's bad boy and co-owner of  GSRadio had this to say:  "We always like to strike when the broom is hot. Management will, of course, have to go. In regards to the employees of The Onion, anyone with 10 years vested in the company and that has a hot looking sister can rest assured that their job is safe."

Later that day, GSRadio managed to speak briefly with Lee "the tree" Ryman. "We'd like to see it all in cash. If necessary we'd take stocks and imported Australian Lager. Also, I've always been more flexible than my brother. It could be a cousin."
Editor's note: Lee was a little confused here.

SCIENCE RESEARCH TODAY RETRACTS PAPER ON R-POG'S

Palo Alto, California. 2:00 pm.

GSRadio Archive

Science Research Today, one of the world's most prestigious scientific journals has retracted the paper, "Geomagnetic Wave Soundings in Determining the Weight of a Rainbow's Pot of Gold (POG)."

Felix Martin, associate editor of the journal wrote, "After many months of careful review from outside scientists, some of whom believe that Humpy Dumpty really did have a great fall, we have come to the conclusion that most of the data in this paper was falsified in order to match final weight totals with known pot of gold quantities. Many communities throughout the world, particularly the little people in Ireland, are saddened by these events. It is a pity that the scientists involved in this study cared more about their careers than today's POG's. Unfortunately, we are living in dangerous, air polluted times and without enough rainbows the POG's just may go the way of the Dodo Bird and beanstalks that reach up into the sky and into the clouds."

GSRadio caught up with Michael Ryman (no relation), associate professor of physics, quantum mechanics and taking two steps up the stairs at a time who was not involved with the research. He had this to say. "It gives a bad name to all scientists throughout the world who have made POG's their life's work. Now many of them will have to start all over again: find a rainbow, drive to the end of it, fight off the Screaming Meanies and begin their investigations again."

NOT GETTING IT RIGHT, CHINA WILL TRY AGAIN

courtesy: Gino's Landscaping

Beijing, China. 8:30 pm.
The Communist Party of China, the ruling body over China's 1.3 billion inhabitants,  has apparently taken a cold hard look at what they've accomplished since the beginning of the "modernization" era beginning the 1980's under Cho Zee Tung. First as rumors, then a tidal wave of emails, faxes and twitters, it is now official that the government of China intends to stop everything that they are doing and begin again.

The official announcement  reads in part: "...we've made many mistakes and want another go at it. Too much pollution, 16,500 cities each with a population of over 10 million residents and far too many gymnasts. We therefore pledge ourselves to begin again, A clean break from the present...an order has gone out to People's Machine Factory Number 52 for 1,344,458,788 shovels. One for each and every Chinese man, woman and child in our great country.
                                                      _________________________________

                         China hopes to shovel their way out of it.
                                                       _________________________________                                     
 With shovel in hand we will all be transported to the Chinese border. Standing 7.4 meters apart from each other we will completely surround Mother China. All of us will begin to dig beginning on "san" (that's three in Chinese for those of you who took Spanish in high school) turning over everything into the soil as we all move to the center of the country.Crops, buildings, ships, stadiums will all have to be taken down and turned over into the soil. Once our mission is done we will have our delicious box lunch, wipe the sweat from our brow and then we begin again."
Quickly from the United Nations came this response : "The United Nation's High Commissioner on Global Development and Getting More Sprinkle Cheese onto the Spaghetti in the UN Employee's Cafeteria (UNHCGDGMSCSUNEC)is very much against such a move. A critical shovel shortage at this time throughout the third world  would be devastating. We implore the Chinese government to think rationally about this and consider using per diem workers only."

NIXON FORMS EXPLORATORY COMMITTEE FOR 2016 PRESIDENTIAL RUN

GSRadio Archive

Yorba Linda. California. 3:45 PM. It appears to be axiomatic in American politics that you can never count Richard Nixon out. In a surprise move that stunned even his closest supporters, former President of the United States, Richard Milhous Nixon, 100 this year, has once again stepped into the limelight to claim his position in Camelot.
Standing in front of the steps of the Nixon library in Yorba Linda, California, a formerly disgraced ex-president gave a rousing, moving speech explaining his reasons for being so much out of the spotlight these many years and why he has now decided to throw his hat into the political ring.

  "I've been living the quiet life of a retired family man. Playing with my many grandchildren, reading them stories of brave knights and heroic journeys. And when my great grand son, Te-Te asked me what I did when I was young, well, I told him the truth. And after three hours we both just sat there and cried. And I realized then that there was more of Richard Milhous Nixon to offer. It was time to bring Pat back to the White House and time to bring order and integrity back to America."

  Immediately following Nixon's remarks the White House issued the following statement: "President Obama has always applauded Americans for getting into the political process and he wishes the former president, although quite dead, all the best."

It may not, however, be all peaches and cream for Mr. Nixon. GSR's own legal scholar, Diana Singer, who has extensively studied dead ex-presidents who wish to run for office had this to say:"  First, if he does win he'd have to go out and find every single Nixon postage stamp that was ever issued, licked or not, and return it to the post office. And second, he will definitely have to pull votes across party lines; the blue states, the red states and of course, the dead states."

NUCLEAR FACILITY TO RELOCATE

In a joint conference of the Nuclear Energy Commission (NRC) and the Governor's office, plans were announced today to move the entire Indian Point nuclear power facility out of Buchanan, New York to a new location 60 miles south on the shores of the Hudson River in Tarrytown, New York.

Further details are forth coming. However, an anonymous spokesperson in the Governor's office said that the impetus for the move was the New York Academy's 2013 "Report on the Energy Future of New York State." In it, the report makes clear that by 2030 New York State could be 90% free from fossil fuel dependency and "on-line" with alternative fuel sources of energy so long as "all those anti-nuclear knuckleheads get out of New York and go back to where they belong."

Later, in an interview with GSRadio, the commissioner outlined the reasons for the move. "First," he said, "to build the new Tappan Zee Bridge will require lots of energy. That energy has to come from somewhere and what better place than Indian Point? However, as you know, the amount of energy lost over transmission lines is tremendous and we thought it would be a better idea to simply move the plant closer to the site of the bridge. Also, after careful consideration, it was decided that the best way to remove the old bridge would be through controlled but sustained nuclear detonations. To carry this fissionable material down the highway from Buchanan to Tarrytown would be a potentially dangerous situation what with all those pimply skate boarder and really old people crossing those streets with their walkers. Also, the NRC is just getting sick and tired of all those grass roots anti-nuclear groups hanging around Indian Point, complaining about a little radiation, carrying their multi -use canvass shopping bags and kayaking up and down the river for no apparent reason. Maybe those a***** can stop some rinkey dink oil company from fracking on farmer Brownes farm, but this is the NRC and we don't take hostages. Finally, and this came right from the White House, moving the nuclear plant to Tarrytown will make all those local grass root organizations have to change all their stationery. Then let's see how effective they are. Is this thing still on? Good. In these situations I always remember what my grandmother used to say. Hey, you rip a deez pants, you mend a deez pants.That's it. I've said my piece. Or is it peace? Who nose? Time to go. And take that genetically modified salmon with you."  

  Later that day, GS Radio's James Boswell caught up with acting town supervisor, I. Herodotus and asked him about the possible future plans of the soon to be empty Indian Point land. He said," It's all about the lost tax base. Whenever anyone finds themselves with a Superfund site they think parkland. Thing is, I've never seen a squirrel pay his taxes. We're thinking one big 32 acre Taco Bell. Open 24/7, landing strip, heliport, underwater submarine dock. That should keep little Jimmy from losing his house because the fire department was cut back to one old guy with a bucket of water.

In an effort to allow fair and equal time, GSRadio asked Samuel Pepys, the over all coordinator of the Hudson River Valley Anti-Nuclear Movement and Organizations to Bring Back Seeded Watermelon (HRVANMOBBSW) for his comment on the move to Tarrytown.

"Sounds pretty good to me," he said.