DECEMBER IS BRUSH YOUR TONGUE AWARENESS MONTH

bad habits start early

The statistics are startling. The American Restaurant Association says that 1 out of every 12 people finish their main course in restaurants by licking their plates clean. The ASPCA notes that one in three dog owners give their pet dogs a little tongue at least once monthly and Brown University (no tongue intended) found a strong correlation between those landing their first job after graduating college and oral sex.

Shakespeare, who hasn't written a single word in over 250 years, said our eyes are the windows to the world and our tongues the mirror to our soul. Loving couplets never more true today.

In 1998 President Bill Clinton proclaimed December as "Brush Your Tongue Awareness Month". It would signal a new beginning in the fight to make Americans sit up and take notice just where they are putting their tongues, with whom and what to do about it afterward.
Remember:  There is no "morning after" tongue pill; no "Plan B" for the wayward, shiftless tongue.

Here are the six warning signs of the dreaded Tongue Abandonment Syndrome.

1.  Do you know how to say the word tongue in more than three languages?
2.  Do you often wake up not knowing where your tongue has been?
3. Do six tongues make a right?
4. Is your one goal in life to tie a cherry stem in a knot with just  your tongue?
5. Do you find yourself short of breath while reading American Lollipop Magazine?
6.  Do you often stop strangers on the street and ask them to give you a good tongue lashing?

If you answered "yes" to at least two of these questions, then all is lost. However, if you can honestlty answer "no" to just one of the above, there is hope.

Just have you credit card ready and call the number at the bottom of your screen. Be sure to ask for Donna.

1-800-ORAL-GLEE4ME

(1-800-5284-3456812)

GIANT U.S. - CANADIAN LAND DEAL

Washington, DC   9:00 AM EST

In what may prove to be the single largest real estate transaction in modern history, the United States has traded away the city of Detroit and $27 billion for the city of Montreal and a small mountain range to be named later. Details are scarce but Canada appears to get Ford, GM and Chrysler. The United States gets the Montreal Canadiens hockey team and a lot of french bread.

An early morning Tweet by President Trump seemed to explain his thinking. "Melania and I have been eyeing Montreal for quite a while. Tasty tap water, lots of parking and all those people speaking French. Not that I have anything against New Orleans. But how much chicken gumbo can one person eat? And another thing. When I pass into the next world I sure don't want a bunch of strangers prancing down the street in back of my coffin dancing like they've got ants in their pants."

Montreal, USA

Controversy was unbound. Goat Soup Radio spoke to a gendarme or whatever they call the police in Montreal and he had this to say, " It took me 5 years to figure out how to say 'you have the right to remain silent' in French. Now I have to learn it in English?"

Some people weren't pleased in Detroit, either. Chicken Taco King proprietor Gaston Notsag had this comment."Montreal and 27 big ones for Detroit? And you want us to change all of our license plates right before Memorial Day? At least give us Winnipeg."

President Trumps final Tweet of the morning added this. "I always like to have everyone come away with something in one of my tremendous deals. In this case we get a fantastic town with plenty of space for a fantastic new hotel and Canada gets a nice fixer upper in Detroit with enough cash to hire every contractor on Angie's List and HomeAdvisor combined. That's what I would do."

POST OFFICE DROPPING FOREVER STAMP

Long in debt, the U.S. Postal Service just announced yet another try to at making itself financially stable.

The Forever stamp will soon be replaced by its newer counterpart, the Fleeting stamp sometime in 2020. Details are sketchy but it appears that each Fleeting stamp be electronically coded to reduce in value at the rate of $.03 per hour beginning after the first 44 seconds from the time of purchase at $.55. Once the government figures out how many hours it will take for the stamp to become worthless the stamps will go on sale.

Mailing a letter? Be thorough, be smart

 but most of all, be quick

In other news… Accounting for climate change the U.S. Postal Service will begin raising all mailboxes eight feet off the ground. When asked about all the people too short to reach the mail slot a spokesperson said, "that's what airmail is for."

Finally, with no explanation, the Post Office will also now require any money owed due to insufficient postage to be paid back in human blood. Each Post Office will soon be equipped with knives, gauze pads and hospital bed pans for the collection and storage of what is anticipated to become a "money in the bank" side line for the Post Office. Larger post office centers will also be equipped with leeches for those that owe less than a dollar. A doctor's note won't help.

Ghost Soup Radio spoke with someone claiming to be an economist who had this to say, "The Fleeting stamp is good for the Post Office, good for America and, most importantly, good for nothing after 12 hours."

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• 
  
  So to supper, and thence after prayers to bed.
                       - Samuel Pepys  (23 February 1633 - 26 May 1703)

EARN EXTRA CASH IN YOUR SPARE TIME

Yes, money can be had. Just take the two to three minutes to read this article and learn how it has completely changed people's lives. And, as a special incentive, at the end of this article we're going to show you how to guarantee your place in this amazing , lucrative profession.

In just two weeks you could be

looking at this!

The University of Southern Far Eastern Michigan will begin it's next two week online program, E-Dentistry,  in just a few short weeks! For 12 days, 2 hours per day, you will begin your learning from some of the finest lecturers in Southern Far Eastern Michigan. Yes, the complete ins and out of dentistry. After just two weeks you will amaze your friends with the number of scheduled appointments you have booked.

Using your computer you will schedule your course hours online to fit your busy schedule. Out on a date? No problemo!! While he or she goes to take a leak, you can quickly turn on your mobile device and watch such lectures as, "Poking Around the Mouth For Oral Cancers", "Drilling Deep, Drilling Fast", "Injecting Novocaine and Not Stabbing Yourself",  "Using X-rays to Explain Anything", "Filling Cavities Poolside" or "Extracting Your First Tooth While Texting".

Just listen to what one of our satisfied graduates, D.B. of Honolulu, Hawaii has to say.

"I graduated top of my class at Brown. But, I was never fulfilled in my chosen career as a blacksmith. I just couldn't make ends meet. The days were long and hot. Imagine, 16 hours a day banging on an anvil. Luckily, a friend told me about USFEM's E-Dentistry program. Now I spend only 4 hours a day banging my anvil and 3 hours a day treating patients. And that upper body strength I developed as a blacksmith sure comes in handy".

The University of Southern Far Eastern Michigan has trained hundreds of good looking people just like yourself using the E-Dentistry's patent denied program. So, why not turn that lounging around time into suctioning blood and saliva time? And, if you pay in cash you will receive one previously owned dental drawer, a matching colored stool and 200 - 4 ounce plastic "you can spit out now" cups. So don't wait. Yes, you can keep that tired old job you have now. But instead of going to the gym after work and doing the same old spin class, open up your appointment book, fill a few cavities, earn some cash and make someone smile!

And remember, don't be fooled by imitators claiming to get you that degree in 7 days. Whether it's learning how to put on a face mask or extracting that incisor in less than three tries, you need to be properly trained. USFEM's E-Dentistry program has been fully accredited by Gooch's Greater Detroit Towing Service since 2010!

And now, here's that special incentive we told you about:  Would you like to be in next month's graduating class? Here's how. Simply make a cash donation of $350.00 to Annette Gooch's Toys For My Tots Foundation, Western Lansing, Michigan. 13579

PRESIDENT CORRECTS "FAKE NEWS" OVER SOUTHERN BORDER WALL

Clarifying his position on immigration to White House reporters, President Trump offered the following correction. Note: In the interest of brevity and sanity his response has been edited.

"First, let's go back to my spectacular presidential run in 2016. I never said that I would build a long, high wall between the United States and Mexico. The Mexican people love me. The press only heard what they wanted to hear. They're not very good listeners.What I said was that I would build a mall. A mall, not a wall.The largest, longest, most gorgeous shopping mall in the world. It would sit right between the United States and Mexico, straddling the entire length of the border, all 1,954 miles of it. How beautiful would that be? To have every imaginable high end retail store offering their goods and services to every immigrant, tourista and day tripper making their way between fantastic Mexicali and my country. The economic value would just be tremendous. And it would be a great humanitarian gesture. 

You know, I'm thinking of asking the Nobel Peace Prize Committee if they would like to hold their award ceremony in Trump Towers in perpetuity. There are lots of rooms and when you're up in the Penthouse it's very peaceful".

"Picture this everybody. No more scorching walks through the desert and no more hungry and thirsty immigrants. Instead, I would place a Trump Gourmet Food Court every mile within the mall, an L.L. Bean every two miles offering all those hard to find size 5.5 extra wide Vibram soled hiking boots and, of course, a diaper dressing station every 3,000 feet to take care of all the little ones. We certainly want their bottoms clean and fresh as they make their way through Trump National Mall before coming into the United States."

"And believe me. In just two years you won't be able to tell the difference between the US-Canadian border and the US-Mexican border. And speaking of Canada, I'm thinking of buying Montreal. I love French food, don't you? And it's quite simple. For the City of Montreal we'll give them $6.4 billion, Detroit and a small mountain range to be named later. It's the best offer they are going to get."

GSR TO SHELTER AMERICA

View it and weep, Zillow. If that's your real name.

SUPREME COURT LIFTS GOAT SOUP GAG ORDER. JUSTICE SOTOMEYER: "THEY CAN SAY WHATEVER THEY DAMN PLEASE, JUST GET THEM OUT OF HERE."

In a stunning Supreme Court decision, Goat Soup Radio has seen its lower food court imposed gag order rescinded by a seven to one majority decision. GSR historians will note that the sole minority decision, cast  by Justice John J. Hackwacker, 214, was the last surviving judge to have ruled in the landmark Lewis and Clark's Naturally Seasoned Buffalo Chips decision in  Lewis and Clark v. Sacagawea.

Writing for the majority, Justice Rippa Dees Pants  wrote: "Throughout history it has been a good idea to squash idiocy at it's birth, strangling it with it's own pathologically perverse and prickly placenta. This was the country's goal in telling Goat Soup Radio to pack it up and go back to stocking shelves at Trader Joe's. But, there are moments in history when we must tear apart the velcro straps to our senses and allow even those without a modicum of sense, decorum and decency to express their views, as uninspired as they may be. Therefore, Ģoat Soup Radio may have it's voice back, it's offices opened and it's carpets cleaned."

Justice Pants: "Why do I always get just two croutons with
 my pea soup, councilor?"

Justice Pants went on to say that he couldn't understand why the difference in price between a cup of soup and a bowl of soup in the Court's cafeteria is almost $5.00 when the amount of soup in both was almost the same.
Writing as a Friend of the Court (amicus curiae ministronis) Mamby Pamby, chief counsel to the American Association of Soup Ladlers opined that in a crouton free world all would be equal. However, "As long as China continues to heavily subsidize their cheaper, substandard ladles and continues dumping them into the American market, the cup and bowl will remain for all intents and purposes, separate but equal."

Editor's Note:  We understand and sympathize with many of our readers that the sections above may have been a bit too dense and erudite, thus requiring the expertise and experience of a pompous, know-it-all lawyer to understand. However as GSR has always tried to be the portal to all that the heaven's have created, we sincerely apologize for our brilliance, extraordinary sense of humor and saintly intentions.